Chapter 66: Going To Find Her
This translation is originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
As autumn came in a blink, the weather gradually turned cooler.
On a weekend morning, Wen Ruoxian was making breakfast at home.
The Bluetooth speaker was playing German news. She muttered to herself as she listened, picked up a spoon, stirred it in the pot for a while, then turned off the heat and walked out.
The digital clock showed nine o'clock sharp, and she instinctively walked toward the guest room.
"Qing..."
Seeing the empty room, Wen Ruoxian suddenly remembered something, and her eyes dimmed.
Qingluo wasn't here.
She hadn't been here for a long time.
She thought that since today was the weekend, breakfast could be pushed back a little, letting Qingluo sleep in. It was nine o'clock now, time to go wake her up.
Qingluo had the bad habit of staying in bed and skipping breakfast, but after Wen Ruoxian's persistent urging for several months, she gradually changed. Wen Ruoxian always felt like Qingluo was still living in that room, sound asleep under the covers. When she called her awake, Qingluo would poke out her sleepy head, softly and sweetly acting coquettish.
Two months had passed.
Since their farewell at the club, they hadn’t seen each other again.
Wen Ruoxian stood by the door for a long time, then quietly returned to the kitchen. Like usual, she brought breakfast out and set it on the table, sat down alone, and slowly ate.
Time passed quickly.
Her life had returned to being dull, gray, and bleak. Whether it was work or the everyday necessities, everything was based on "meaning."
Everything had to have "meaning."
Only when Qingluo was by her side did she experience pure enjoyment, only then did she understand that "not everything has to have meaning." During that time, she felt herself relaxing from the inside out like she was a truly vibrant person.
Qingluo’s shadow was everywhere, and she constantly thought of her, remembering the words she had said—
[Every second I look at you makes me sick!]
Her heart ached, yet it couldn't overcome the flood of longing.
She couldn't help but secretly go to concerts, only buying seats in the third row, not too far nor too close, where she could see the stage clearly without the risk of being exposed. After the show ended, she didn't linger near the exits but instead sat in her car, watching from a distance.
One concert after another, she didn't see Qingluo.
She also secretly went to the Lingyi club, parking her car across the street and walking to the corner, watching the club entrance from afar.
Again and again, she didn't see Qingluo.
She couldn't find her at the entrance of the Green Shang Mansion. When she asked Shi Chuning, she hit a wall and got a few cold remarks. Going to the "NOTTE" nightclub was even more fruitless.
It was as if Qingluo had vanished from the face of the earth.
The porridge in her bowl tasted bland. Wen Ruoxian hurriedly took a couple of bites and then cleaned up the dishes.
Just as she was about to go to her study, the delivery guy called. The item she had been eagerly waiting for had arrived today. Instantly losing interest in reading, she couldn't wait to go downstairs and get it.
The package was wrapped in multiple layers, and she carefully took it out.
It was a pure silver necklace, with a pendant of Song Qingluo playing the violin. Delicate and exquisite, its color was bright and clear, looking very similar to the one she had lost—
The image of the old necklace had long been imprinted in her mind. Wen Ruoxian had drawn it on paper and found a custom jewelry studio to create a similar necklace for herself.
The new one was a size larger than the old one. Opening the specially designed hidden compartment at the back, it could hold a mini photo.
A couple of days ago, she had developed a photo she had secretly taken of Qingluo practicing the violin. She kept a small one, which fit perfectly inside the necklace. Closing the cover, the back faintly revealed the letter "W."
It felt as if Qingluo was still there.
Wen Ruoxian put the necklace into her bag, just like always, so she could take it with her every day when she went out.
She returned to the study to read for a while and sketched a few drawings. She had intended to draw only buildings, but as she continued, she began outlining a human figure. The more she drew, the more it resembled Song Qingluo... This was the last page in her sketchbook. Flipping back through the pages, they were all drawings of buildings she had casually sketched over the past few months.
The first two or three pages were of Cheng Suran.
This translation is originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
As she flipped to this page, she realized she had been continuing in an old sketchbook, one that was filled entirely with drawings of Ranran.
When did she stop drawing her?
Page after page of architectural drawings symbolized her emptiness, her transition until she began drawing Qingluo’s likeness...
It felt as if she was caught in some kind of cycle.
A sudden ringtone interrupted Wen Ruoxian's thoughts. Seeing "Mom" on the caller ID, she suddenly had a premonition. "Mom?"
"The photos I sent you yesterday, what do you think?" Her mother's voice was calm and unhurried.
Wen Ruoxian habitually responded dismissively, “Pretty good."
"I always hear you say 'they're okay,' but today you actually said pretty good.' That's good, an improvement."
“…”
Unable to figure out her mother's intentions, she didn’t dare to say much. It was best to gather more information first to make a judgment and come up with a countermeasure.
There was a moment of silence on the other end of the line.
“This year, National Day and Mid-Autumn Festival are together. You should come home for a visit, right? You haven't been back in two years. Your father and I miss you every day. No matter what, home is still home...” Her mother spoke very tactfully, yet it reminded Wen Ruoxian of unpleasant memories.
The last time she went home was during the Mid-Autumn Festival two years ago.
Because she came out about her sexual orientation, she had a big argument with her parents and left for Jiangcheng that same night to spend the holiday with Cheng Suran.
She wasn’t really keen on going back. Growing up, she never felt attached to her family, only maintaining appropriate contact and boundaries. Only by keeping a firm stance could she dissuade her parents from trying to “bring her back on the right path.”
This was being responsible to herself and also to her future girlfriend.
Future girlfriend...
Looking at Song Qingluo’s face on the drawing paper, she suddenly felt frustrated and said with a slightly firmer tone, “When you give up trying to ‘reform’ me, then I’ll come back.”
Her mother sighed on the phone, “A good child, who has always been obedient and sensible, how did she grow up to be like this...” She said this and hung up the phone.
Wen Ruoxian stared at her phone, lost in thought.
Since childhood, she had always been the “model child” in the eyes of her elders, living strictly according to the rules and never stepping out of line. Now, approaching thirty-one, the only wild thing she had ever done was give up a comfortable job abroad to be closer to Cheng Suran.
While others rebelled in their teenage years and smoothly transitioned to the next phase of life, she did the opposite. Her repressed self and rebellion from her youth exploded all at once during the age when maturity and stability were most needed, tormenting herself.
Even so, she continued to set limits on herself.
Coming back to her senses, she picked up the brush and continued. The likeness of Song Qingluo on the paper became clearer and clearer, and suddenly, she felt deeply sad, realizing how much she disliked herself.
Indecisive and overly cautious.
She should be braver.
With tears welling up in her eyes, Wen Ruoxian tilted her head back, put down the brush, and grabbed her phone again—there was still one last hopeful way to contact Qingluo.
She dialed Ms. Song's number.
….
In Wen Ruoxian's eyes, Ms. Song was first and foremost one of the giants in the domestic pharmaceutical industry, then a major client of the company, and only lastly Song Qingluo’s mother. She had always been polite but reserved with her, never expecting any personal interaction between them.
On the riverside of Marina Bay, on a high-rise terrace, there was a round table set with exquisite drinks and snacks.
Wen Ruoxian didn’t understand why President Song had invited her for afternoon tea but said nothing about it on the phone.
“President Song…”
Song Yulan leaned against the soft sofa, her light makeup gentle, her brows and eyes dignified. She slowly picked up the bone china cup, tasted the black tea, then set it down and smiled at Wen Ruoxian. “Since this is a personal matter, just call me Auntie.”
Wen Ruoxian couldn’t bring herself to say it.
“Qingluo has already told me about your situation.”
“?”
“That day she was extremely aggrieved, crying while talking and hugging me. But afterward, she specifically asked me not to let this affect work, worried that it might trouble you. Ai, this child, she’s too sincere and easily hurt,” Song Yulan sighed, looking both pained and helpless.
She watched Wen Ruoxian out of the corner of her eye.
Wen Ruoxian’s face turned pale, and her heart ached.
Qingluo…
Still cared about her?
“But forcing a melon doesn’t taste sweet. I advised her too. You’re not indispensable to her. You’re a successful person in your thirties. It’s normal to have a white moonlight or a cinnabar mole* in your heart. She shouldn’t be willful just because she likes you.”
*while white moonlight is something or someone unattainable like a first love or crush, cinnabar mole is something or someone you had but lost, like an ex that left a deep mark on you. Cinnabar is a bright red to reddish-brown mineral composed of mercury sulfide, used as a scarlet red pigment for painting and cosmetics in ancient China and as a component in traditional Chinese medicine. They stain and they are toxic.
Song Yulan spoke as if admonishing her daughter, appearing to understand Wen Ruoxian.
“Besides, it was her who liked you first, pursued you. It’s not a problem if she took the initiative a bit more. So, I told her not to take it too much to heart, to stop when it’s enough, not to keep fixating on you and pressuring you. Going out to clear her mind might help her meet someone better…”
It sounded like Qingluo had suffered a lot of grievances.
Wen Ruoxian felt even more ashamed, but as she listened, something felt off. She hurriedly interrupted, “I don’t feel pressured, I… I just…”
Her throat caught.
Wen Ruoxian realized, as she spoke, that her words were too blunt, but she continued, “I can’t do without her.”
Song Yulan paused, took a cookie slowly, and smiled faintly.
“It’s my problem…”
Wen Ruoxian’s face flushed under the gaze, and she lowered her head.
Feelings are deeply personal. It was already difficult to express them in front of Qingluo, let alone under the scrutiny of an unfamiliar elder. But she had a sense that this was her last chance. If she missed it, she would regret it.
She knows what it feels like to miss out.
One should not, and cannot, stumble over the same thing twice.
She gathered her courage to look at Song Yulan and said sincerely, “Auntie, I’d like to have a face-to-face talk with Qingluo. Regardless of the outcome, I’ll do my best. But I can’t reach her now, so I need your help.”
“She went to England,” Song Yulan replied straightforwardly.
“To relax?”
“To develop her music career.”
Wen Ruoxian was stunned.
Developing her career means working, which implies living in one place for an extended period, similar to when she followed Cheng Suran to Jiangcheng.
In the neighborhood, in the orchestra, in the club, nowhere could she find Qingluo.
So, they were no longer breathing under the same sky...
“When did she leave?”
“Early August.”
“Will she come back?” Wen Ruoxian asked urgently.
Song Yulan shook her head. “I’m not sure, but she’ll stay there for at least six months. Recently, her friend, who is touring Europe, invited her to be a partner. She’s quite busy. As a mother, I can’t always keep an eye on her, can I?”
“Six months…” Wen Ruoxian murmured, her lips trembling.
Time is scary.
She dared not underestimate its power.
After six months, everything would be different. Nothing would return to how it was. Moreover, this was just an estimated time—perhaps a year, two years, or even longer, maybe forever.
Song Yulan observed her, weighed her thoughts, and continued, “Qingluo is just that kind of person. When she gets tired of one place, she moves on. She returned to the country initially because she had enough of being abroad. Now she’s leaving again, probably because she finds it uninteresting and nothing worth holding onto…”
Then, she shifted the conversation back to herself: “Just kidding. I’m here, after all. She will still miss her mother, and maybe she’ll return in a while.”
“Family is naturally the most important,” Wen Ruoxian said with a wry smile, a wave of disappointment rising in her eyes.
Nothing worth holding onto.
Qingluo certainly would not hold on to her. Otherwise, why would she have dyed her hair black, erased all traces, and disappeared from her world?
“Ah, I just remembered. You came to see Qingluo, right?” Song Yulan sipped her tea, still smiling warmly.
“I was thinking it’s the weekend, so it’s a good chance to meet, but unfortunately, Qingluo won’t be back in the short term. It’s impossible to meet her. She was indeed a bit too willful before. I can’t interfere in your personal matters, but I’ll apologize on her behalf.”
Wen Ruoxian shook her head repeatedly. “No, Auntie, you don’t need to apologize. Qingluo hasn’t done anything wrong. I’ve said it; it’s my own issue.”
Song Yulan did not argue and continued, “I’ll call Qingluo when I return and talk to her. You can communicate with her online?”
“I…” Wen Ruoxian hesitated.
In the current situation, this was the best and only option. However, not being able to see the other person felt like something was missing.
The phone or video call could only convey the voice and image of the other person, while she wanted to feel Qingluo’s presence as a person with breath and warmth, standing in front of her.
A sudden thought crossed her mind.
She tentatively asked, “Could you tell me where Qingluo is in England?”
“Are you planning to find her?”
“Maybe I could…”
….
Ever since learning that Qingluo was in England, Wen Ruoxian found herself restless, her desire to cross the Eurasian continent growing stronger.
Ms. Song said that Qingluo was currently living in South Kensington, London, where her family had bought a villa close to her alma mater. However, Qingluo was currently on tour with friends and wouldn’t return until at least late October.
Qingluo’s favorite restaurants, bars, and clubs were mostly concentrated in the west.
Wen Ruoxian was eager to fly there immediately but couldn’t just leave everything behind.
Things had turned out differently from what she had imagined.
The second half of the year was the busiest time for the company. This year, the business scope has expanded, with several projects still in progress. They had just moved into a new office building recently, and both she and Ranran were tied up with work.
At such a time, leaving for England for personal reasons, not knowing how many days it would take, felt irresponsible.
Yet, time did not wait for anyone.
Wen Ruoxian was caught in a dilemma, feeling downcast for several days. She found it hard to choose between her responsibilities and her feelings, which made her anxious, and unable to eat or sleep properly.
After the long holiday, Jiangcheng Foreign Languages University celebrated its 70th anniversary. Wen Ruoxian and Cheng Suran were invited as distinguished alumni to attend the ceremony. Since graduation, they hadn't stepped foot on campus for a long time. Walking on the tree-lined paths, they felt a sense of having traveled back in time.
"Who would have thought that after so many years, the cafeteria meals haven’t really gone up in price? Two vegetables and one meat dish still cost seven yuan. The sweet and sour pork is just as I remember it. I used to be so broke that I could only afford to eat here once a week. The money I saved were used to take the subway so I could go to my part-time jobs, hahaha..."
After the ceremony, Cheng Suran dragged Wen Ruoxian to the student cafeteria for a meal. They only left after their stomachs were stuffed full.
The boulevard is the only path from the cafeteria to the main gate. Walking here, she remembered her impoverished and struggling self from her first and second years. Life started to change in her junior year, after meeting Jiang Yu—
Those were her secrets.
"Ah, Ruoxian, it would have been great if we were from the same class. Then I could have met you earlier and wouldn’t have ended up with no one to talk to," Cheng Suran said, turning her face to look at her companion.
Wen Ruoxian did not respond. Her gaze wandered aimlessly through the air, her steps mechanical and distracted.
"Ruoxian?"
"Wen Ruoxian."
"Hey."
She came back to her senses only after being called twice. She looked at Cheng Suran with a dazed expression, as if trying to recall what had been said, and unconsciously responded, "Oh… Different stages bring different friends."
"Ruoxian, you seem to be distracted and troubled lately…" Cheng Suran did not continue but showed a worried expression. "Is something wrong?"
Wen Ruoxian was taken aback, her gaze lowered.
Cheng Suran felt she had hit the mark.
In front of her, Wen Ruoxian could not hide her emotions, even though they had grown distant over time.
"Is it work-related or personal? Can I help?"
"…"
Faced with her concern, Wen Ruoxian's mind was filled only with "go to England" and "stay here." She used to be accustomed to saying everything was fine and dealing with emotions on her own, but now, tormented by the dilemma for days, nothing was more important to her than finding Song Qingluo.
"There are too many people here. Let’s talk in the car," she said, quickening her pace.
Cheng Suran hurried to keep up.
Luxury cars were leaving the campus one after another, and Cheng Suran’s car was parked at the front. Once they got into the car and the door closed, the world outside fell silent.
The atmosphere grew serious.
“It’s personal, but it also concerns the company,” Wen Ruoxian glanced at Cheng Suran, her expression showing guilt but also a resolute determination.
“I need to take a trip, and I’m not sure how long it will take…”
Years of mutual understanding allowed Cheng Suran to grasp her thoughts. Without a second thought, she said, “Don’t worry, the company still has me.”
“Aren’t you going to ask where I’m going or what I’m doing?”
“No matter where you go or what you do, I’ll support you unconditionally. If it makes you happy, even better. I’m not afraid of trouble or hard work, I’m only afraid that I won’t be able to help you.”
“Ranran…”
Wen Ruoxian wanted to say something, but Cheng Suran interrupted her again, “Go and do what you want to do. Don’t leave yourself with regrets.”
She smiled, her eyes shining brightly.
It was as if they were recalling the past, yet at the same time, saying goodbye to it, breaking free from the shackles that bound them to each other.
Wen Ruoxian gazed into her eyes, feeling as if she had been suddenly enlightened. Her hand unconsciously slipped into her pocket, grasping the pendant of her necklace and gently caressing it.
The cool touch of metal spread across her palm.
“Alright.”
Just let her step out of line one more time, and go crazy again.
Author's Note:
The temperature is dropping, little cuties, make sure to keep warm~ -3-
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