Chapter 106: But I'm Scared
This translation was originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
By noon, the two of them had lunch with Xi Ji. After resting for a while, it was about time for Xi Mo to leave.
Today was Jian Yuan’s death anniversary. As per past custom, Ruan Yesheng had to stay in the villa for one more night and could not leave just yet.
Ruan Yesheng walked Xi Mo to the gate. What was rare was that Xi Ji also came out to see her off. In Xi Mo’s eyes, this was very surprising. Her dad had always been a man of few words. On top of that, his social status was very high, and there were few people who could catch his eye. For him to personally come out to see someone off was an extremely high level of courtesy.
Though surprised, Xi Mo thought Ruan Yesheng probably did not need to worry about the impression she left on her dad anymore.
That impression score was already very high.
Ruan Yesheng stood at the gate and said a few words to Xi Mo, then added, “See you at the airport tomorrow.”
Xi Mo nodded and looked at Xi Ji. “Uncle Xi, I’m leaving now. Thank you, goodbye.”
“Goodbye, Xiao Ruan,” Xi Ji said kindly.
Xi Mo glanced at him a few more times, sensing a faint weariness in his expression. On such a heavy day, she knew he must be feeling awful. But with her current identity, she could not say much. She could only suppress the sourness in her heart and take her leave.
The next morning, Ruan Yesheng and Xi Mo met at the airport and returned together to Hengdian to continue filming Sui Ting.
This time, they were mainly shooting outdoor scenes.
There were many outdoor scenes in Sui Ting, and this one was the most important of them all. In the story, this place belonged to one of Deng Sui’s private estates. Lin Qitang had specially hired a team to build the outdoor set, and the location was chosen in a scenic area surrounded by green mountains and clear water.
The set designer first drew up the blueprints, then the craftsmen built it according to the designs. Most of these outdoor sets were lightweight structures, mainly made of wood. The exterior was decorated following the blueprint, and the interior furnishings and props were carefully arranged. This kind of lightweight outdoor set was relatively quick to build and easy to take down, and was now a common method used by production teams.
The only inconvenience was that the location was too remote. There was no place to stay and meals were hard to manage.
The crew had to drive out early in the morning, work all day, then drive back to the hotel at night. The commute took a lot of time. Boxed meals were delivered in the van. Though basic insulation was used, with that many meals, by the time they arrived at the location, the temperature could only be barely maintained.
But Lu Qingming, the mother hen, had always arranged everything perfectly. Xi Mo had never needed to worry about any trouble while filming outdoor scenes. She did not have to eat boxed meals with the rest of the crew. A dedicated chef prepared her food, which was then delivered by another assistant in a food warmer. The taste stayed mostly the same. As for her other daily needs, she never had to lift a finger.
This time was no different.
Only now, all those comforts were arranged for Ruan Yesheng. There was no way she would let Xi Mo suffer even a little. Before the outdoor shoot began, she had gone over everything with Lu Qingming in detail: meals must include a portion for Xi Mo, and a spacious rest tent must be set up—she wanted to take a nap with Xi Mo.
Lu Qingming had been watching how they got along on set. He knew the two of them were close now, so he did not say anything and just followed their requests.
Around noon, the production coordinator came over with a lunchbox, hoping to mooch some food, since everyone knew they ate better meals.
Feng Tangtang was also in the tent. She picked out a chicken drumstick for the coordinator and asked casually, “Do you know why Director Lin was so angry today?”
Lin Qitang had a good temper, but that morning, he had lost it—something that rarely happened. No one knew why.
The coordinator said, “Remember those prop masters who were transferred over to help? One of them left without a word before finishing his job. Things were chaotic, and the team leader did not know he had left. He thought the guy had finished everything. But when they checked today, they found a mess. Now they're scrambling to fix it. It delayed the whole crew’s progress, and when Director Lin found out, he got furious.”
Xi Mo ate quietly, sitting to the side, carefully listening to Feng Tangtang and the coordinator talk.
Ruan Yesheng quietly picked out food for her and gave her a smile.
Xi Mo looked at Ruan Yesheng, her gaze flickering a little.
“He left without saying anything?” Feng Tangtang said in surprise. “That’s so irresponsible. Did he quit? Even if he did, he should’ve told someone.”
“No one knows,” the coordinator said as she ate the chicken drumstick. “Nothing like this ever happened before. Our crew pays prop workers pretty well, and it’s almost the end of the month, right before payday. Quitting now doesn’t make sense. At least wait and collect this month’s salary first. But he just ran off. I tried calling him, but his phone is off.”
"Will that affect the afternoon show?" Feng Tangtang was very worried.
"That won’t happen," the coordinator said. "The scenes this afternoon will still follow the original schedule. It’s just that some other scenes later will be affected, and we’ll have to move them up."
When she said that, the coordinator looked at Ruan Yesheng and Xi Mo with a big smile. "I’ve been looking forward to this scene for a long time. If that prop guy who ran off without a word really messed it up, I would be the first one not to let him off."
Feng Tangtang hadn’t read the full script. When she saw the coordinator’s eyes shining, she quickly got excited and asked, "What exactly are we filming this afternoon?"
The crew didn’t film in story order. They shot one part here and another part there, and it was all up to editing later. Feng Tangtang, as a super keen viewer watching on set, often felt completely lost.
"You’ll see it this afternoon," the coordinator said. She was already close with them, so she joked a bit and teased Feng Tangtang on purpose. "Anyway, it’s gonna be super good, a super touching scene between a master and her servant."
Xi Mo: "..."
Ruan Yesheng secretly laughed.
Since she couldn’t get an answer, Feng Tangtang simply went to ask Xi Mo, "Ruanruan, tell me."
The coordinator quickly laughed and said, "Ruanruan, don’t tell her. If you tell her, then she’ll be mentally prepared later, and when she watches it, she won’t feel the master-servant bond anymore."
Xi Mo: "..."
As soon as Feng Tangtang heard that, she changed her mind right away. "Then Ruanruan, don’t tell me yet. Let’s keep the mystery. I’ll watch it this afternoon."
In the afternoon, right before filming started, the two of them sat next to each other in the study of the garden house and went over the script together.
Lin Qitang walked over to tell them about the scene. "Next is a very important one. Deng Sui has already found out Ding'e's background, and she also knows that the one who killed her father is Ding'e. This time she brought Ding'e to the side courtyard because she wants to lay all her cards on the table."
He looked at Ruan Yesheng. "Xi Mo, later during filming, you still need to control your emotions well. At the beginning, you cannot let it go too much. You need to hold back a little. After all, Deng Sui has been handling court matters for many years. Even though she is not an emperor, the power she holds now is already at the emperor level. Deng Sui is deep in thought now. In front of her servant Ding'e, she still needs to put on airs. But the tricky part is, she really has deep servant-master feelings for Ding'e. In the second half of the scene, you have to fully open up your emotions. The transition in the middle must be natural. The emotions need to build up layer by layer."
Ruan Yesheng nodded. "I understand."
Lin Qitang also reminded Xi Mo, "Later Deng Sui will grab Ding'e’s hand and squeeze until her hand bleeds. Pay attention to how you show this detail. I will give you a close-up at that part."
Xi Mo replied with a sound.
After Lin Qitang finished explaining the scene, he left to get ready for filming.
Xi Mo saw Lin Qitang leave and then quietly said to Ruan Yesheng, "Later when you grab me, you don’t need to hold back. You can grab hard. That way it looks more real."
She was worried that Ruan Yesheng might hold back during acting and would not do it properly, so she reminded her ahead of time.
Ruan Yesheng quickly said no. "But that will hurt a lot. I don’t want to."
"It’s fine. I’m not scared," Xi Mo said.
"But I'm scared," Ruan Yesheng answered right away without thinking.
Xi Mo looked at her and stayed quiet for a while. Then she said, “Alright, just act the way you feel. I’ll work with you.”
Ruan Yesheng finally smiled, closed the script, and leaned in to ask, “Did you get your leave approved for Friday?”
“Director Lin approved it,” Xi Mo said in a low voice. “I’ve already made an appointment with Director Gu. I’ll go try out for the part in the morning.”
“Then I’ll wait for your news,” Ruan Yesheng said, her eyes full of sincerity and a look of hope she could not hide.
Xi Mo saw the hope in her eyes, and for the first time in her life, she felt nervous about an audition. If she couldn’t win a spot in Director Gu’s new movie for Ruan Yesheng, Ruan Yesheng would probably be very sad.
She didn’t want Ruan Yesheng to be sad.
She hoped she could make Ruan Yesheng’s wish come true.
When the time came, the camera moved in, and the two of them took their positions. Lin Qitang gave them a few more directions about the details, then had them do a quick run-through before the real filming began.
Ruan Yesheng sat at the desk, lifted her eyes a little, and glanced at Xi Mo, who came to serve tea.
Xi Mo offered the teacup and bowed. “Empress Dowager, your tea.”
Ruan Yesheng’s face was a bit cold. She stared at her for a while before finally beckoning her over.
Xi Mo put down the teacup and walked forward, keeping a distance that wasn’t too far but not too close either.
Ruan Yesheng’s expression was hard to read, and she motioned again.
Xi Mo stepped forward a few more steps, her head slightly lowered. There was still a space between them. At this moment, Ding’e had already guessed why Deng Sui had called her. A secret that had been hidden for years could no longer be kept. Deep down, she was feeling very uneasy, but her face showed nothing.
Ruan Yesheng stood up and slowly walked toward her.
Xi Mo stood still.
Ruan Yesheng reached out and touched Xi Mo’s long hair, taking off the jade hairpin she used to tie it. This jade hairpin was a gift Deng Sui had given to Ding’e back then. Ding’e had always used it to tie her hair and had never changed it.
This translation was originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
Xi Mo’s long hair fell loose but remained silent.
Ruan Yesheng lowered her eyes and fiddled with the jade hairpin. Her gaze was filled with a dark emotion that could not be explained. The camera beside them zoomed in for a close-up of her facial expression.
This scene had almost no dialogue. It was all conveyed through their actions and expressions. Maybe the mood was too heavy, because from a distance, Feng Tangtang watched with a pained expression, gripping the coordinator’s arm with both hands, not even daring to breathe.
After a while, Ruan Yesheng handed the jade hairpin to Ding’e and finally spoke slowly, “Smash it.”
Xi Mo looked stunned. Holding the jade hairpin, she still made no move.
“I order you,” Ruan Yesheng spoke each word coldly and slowly, “Smash it.”
This was a gift from Deng Sui to Ding’e, so of course Ding’e could not bear to break it. But this was also Deng Sui’s order. She was caught in a dilemma and could only kneel. Even though Deng Sui had not said it directly, she now understood what Deng Sui meant. Deng Sui had found out the truth and wanted to cut all ties with her.
“My command now,” Ruan Yesheng sneered, “Does the Palace Guard no longer obey?”
Xi Mo knelt in front of Ruan Yesheng, raised her head, and said, “I ask the Empress Dowager to grant me death.”
“Grant you death?” Ruan Yesheng slowly took the jade hairpin from Xi Mo’s hand. “You want to die, but I refuse to let you die. Your life belongs to me. However I wish to deal with it, do I need your say?”
As she said this, Ruan Yesheng’s face finally showed a flicker of emotion. She closed her eyes, then hurled the jade hairpin to the ground with force.
The jade hairpin shattered into pieces.
Xi Mo seemed to have lost her soul. She knelt and crawled forward, gathering the broken pieces into her hands, staring blankly.
After a moment, she seemed to realize reality—the jade hairpin was truly broken, just like the bond between Ding’e and Deng Sui. Flustered, she hurriedly searched through the shards, trying to match which pieces belonged together.
At this moment, Ding’e wanted to piece it back together. In the script, this was her first time showing such obvious emotion. Because she was too anxious to fix it, the sharp edges of the broken jade even cut her hands.
The crew quickly stepped forward to wipe the blood on Xi Mo’s hand, then backed away again.
Ruan Yesheng looked at Xi Mo, who was bowing her head and piecing together the jade hairpin. Her breathing gradually grew heavier. Deng Sui’s suppressed emotions were also reaching their limit.
But she still forced herself to hold it in. “Get out.”
Xi Mo cupped the shards of the jade hairpin in her bloodstained hands and bowed as she retreated.
Only after she had retreated outside, out of sight, did Ruan Yesheng return to sit behind the desk, her shoulders gently trembling.
Lowering her head, her body shook slightly for a while. Then, Ruan Yesheng suddenly leaned forward and swept everything off the desk. Brushes, ink, paper, and inkstone all fell to the floor.
The film set went dead silent. That sound was like a bolt of thunder. Everyone stared, forgetting even to breathe.
Deng Sui’s anger also burst out at this moment.
Ruan Yesheng lay face down on the table and finally cried, just like the girl Deng Sui from long ago who had already faded into the past.
She was no longer silently shedding tears—this time, she cried out loud.
That girl in the past had cried when she wanted to cry, laughed when she wanted to laugh, carefree and free-spirited. But after so many years of handling court affairs, this was the first time she cried like this, not caring about her image. It was filled with unwillingness, resentment toward Ding’e, and grief from being unable to make up her mind to take Ding’e’s life.
Ding’e heard Deng Sui’s cries from outside and quickly came back in. Just like many years ago, when she heard her Young Miss crying in distress, she would rush to her side without a second thought.
Xi Mo ran in from the door, filled with urgency, and came to Ruan Yesheng’s side, pulling her into her arms.
She gently patted her back and coaxed softly, “Miss, do not cry.”
Time had taken everything away.
After all these years, as Deng Sui’s status grew more noble, Ding’e’s way of addressing her changed as well. But the one word “Miss” had never changed in her heart.
Ruan Yesheng buried her head in Xi Mo’s arms and cried through gritted teeth, “I want to kill you. You killed my father. I will… I will kill you.”
Ruan Yesheng handled this part with many layers. The hatred was real and strong, but it was not pure hatred. There was also the deep bond of master and servant she could not let go of. Her tears flowed nonstop, soaking the front of Xi Mo’s costume. The costume was light in color, and through the camera lens, the darkened tear stains could be clearly seen.
Deng Sui hated Ding’e. She wanted nothing more than to kill her on the spot.
Yet she could not bring herself to do it. All she could manage were a few powerless, harsh words.
She cried like she once had when she was young, but everything could never go back to the way it was.
“No, I will not kill you.” Ruan Yesheng, her voice choked after breaking down, murmured, “I will keep you in my grasp, make your life worse than death, make you suffer day after day!”
The camera cut to Ruan Yesheng’s hand. She was clutching Xi Mo’s wrist, her knuckles bulging from the force of her grip, pale skin stretched tight over throbbing veins. It was just acting—she had not really used strength on Xi Mo’s hand, only made it look like she was. There was actually a gap between them.
It did not hurt at all. Xi Mo went along with the scene, furrowing her brows as if silently enduring the hateful grip.
In the scene, Ding’e had been grabbed so hard by Deng Sui that she bled.
The crew came over and added fingernail marks and a smear of fake blood on Xi Mo’s wrist, then continued shooting.
Xi Mo’s lashes were moist. Tears in the scene came easily to her. Her eyes brimmed with water, and when she shut them, the tears slid down without a sound. She held Ruan Yesheng tightly and said, “If Miss wants me to die, then I shall die. If Miss wants me to live, then I shall live.”
Ruan Yesheng gripped her hand and sobbed so hard her whole body trembled. “I will never… never forgive you!”
After hearing that, Xi Mo’s eyes froze.
To Ding’e, death was not despair.
Deng Sui saying she would never forgive her—that was true despair.
After a while, Xi Mo seemed to come to terms with it. Holding Ruan Yesheng, she said in a trembling voice, “Alright. If you will not forgive… that is fine too.”
“Cut, we got it!” Lin Qitang shouted excitedly.
Only then did the two of them let go. Ruan Yesheng’s face was covered in tears, and she just couldn’t stop crying.
Xi Mo, on the other hand, calmed down quickly. She reached out, instinctively trying to wipe Ruan Yesheng’s tears, but forgot her hand was still covered in fake blood. With that one swipe, a streak of blood appeared right on Ruan Yesheng’s cheek.
Startled, Xi Mo quickly pulled her hand back. “...Sorry.”
At first, Ruan Yesheng didn’t get it. She didn’t know why Xi Mo was apologizing. There wasn’t a mirror around, and she couldn’t see her own face.
So Xi Mo had to smear some blood on her own face too, pointing at the mark seriously as she explained, “You look like this right now.”
Ruan Yesheng saw the blood and tear stains on Xi Mo’s face and imagined her own. She couldn’t help but laugh through her tears.
Xi Mo helped her up, and the two of them went to rest off to the side. Feng Tangtang ran over and handed them some wet wipes.
Ruan Yesheng wiped her face, then noticed Feng Tangtang’s eyes were all swollen like walnuts, clearly from crying. She quickly asked, “Tangtang, what’s wrong?”
Feng Tangtang looked so aggrieved. She cried to Ruan Yesheng, “Sister Xi, who wrote this script? Why can’t Deng Sui and Ding’e be together? Why do they have to love and hate each other like this? It’s so heartbreaking. If they could be together, would Liu Zhao even matter?”
Xi Mo: “...”
Ruan Yesheng wanted to laugh even harder, but kept a straight face and said, “Honestly, I’ve wondered the same thing.”
Feng Tangtang was very excited and said, "Sister Xi, do you think the same as me?"
Ruan Yesheng nodded.
Finding someone who agreed with her, Feng Tangtang started hoping for another. She turned to Xi Mo and asked, “Ruanruan, what do you think?”
Xi Mo’s face was stiff as she wiped the bloodstains off with a wet wipe. “I didn’t really think about it.”
Author's Note:
Tangtang's voice is our voice! Tangtang's questions are our questions!
Soul-piercing questions and heart-wrenching cries!
Let me ask an even more daunting question:
Has your Yuri value increased today?
