Chapter 181: Deep Dream
This translation was originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
Xi Mo went back to her room to take a shower.
But this shower was hard to focus on, her mind kept floating. In front of her eyes kept appearing Ruan Yesheng’s alluring gaze. Sometimes she didn’t understand why the world had someone like Ruan Yesheng, whose eyes seemed able to draw anyone in. Apart from the sound of water in the shower, she even seemed to hear Ruan Yesheng’s soft whispers, and that pitiful “It hurts” that made people want to care for her.
Xi Mo closed her eyes. Transparent water traces slid down her delicate cheeks.
The image in front of her disappeared, but in her mind appeared the silhouette of Ruan Yesheng just now, reflected on the wall curtain.
Before, even though she had swapped bodies with Ruan Yesheng, she never really looked closely. Even in the shower she mostly kept her eyes closed. And even when she had to touch Ruan Yesheng’s body directly in the shower, it felt like her own; at that time it was mostly awkward, not like now. Now, just seeing the shadow Ruan Yesheng cast made her whole body feel hot.
Was... the Dream Wine too strong?
After drinking, and feeling the strong after-effect, Xi Mo didn’t dare wash too long. After finishing and tidying herself, she went back into Ruan Yesheng’s room.
The main light in the room was off, only a dim bedside lamp was on. The light spread hazily over the bed, also lighting Ruan Yesheng on the bed.
Ruan Yesheng lay on her side with her back to her, hair faintly glowing.
Xi Mo thought Ruan Yesheng was drunk. Seeing her lying quietly, she assumed she was asleep, so she stepped lightly, not making a sound, afraid of disturbing her. She took off her clothes, lifted the blanket, and sat in the empty space beside Ruan Yesheng, leaning forward to turn off the bedside lamp, and lay down even more carefully.
She still lay flat with a little distance from Ruan Yesheng, and her hands clasped awkwardly over her body.
The room was very quiet. Xi Mo could vaguely hear her own breathing and Ruan Yesheng’s. Ruan Yesheng’s breaths seemed faster than usual, one after another. Listening, Xi Mo felt her own breathing speed up in response.
Xi Mo remained still.
After a while, there was soft rustling under the blanket. It was Ruan Yesheng turning over and snuggling to her.
Xi Mo’s body tensed at once.
“...Xi Mo.” Ruan Yesheng’s low call came by her ear, soft and sticky.
“What?” Xi Mo thought Ruan Yesheng woke up and was calling her, so she answered lightly.
But Ruan Yesheng did not respond. She only tightened her arm a little, hugging her closer, and rubbed toward hollow of her neck.
Her mouth murmured again: “...Xi Mo.”
It seemed like sleep talk.
Xi Mo waited for a while, waiting for what Ruan Yesheng would say next. But Ruan Yesheng only held her. Xi Mo then thought Ruan Yesheng was just drunk and asleep, talking in her dream.
But why would Ruan Yesheng call her name in a dream?
Did... Ruan Yesheng has her in her dream?
She heard from Yan Niang that after drinking Dream Wine, people tend to follow their heart’s desire and dream of what they want most.
So now, was Ruan Yesheng... dreaming of her?
Xi Mo was good at logic. Even at this time, she was still seriously analyzing. But her heartbeat did not follow logic at all. It beat wildly in her chest, thumping without any pattern.
The more she analyzed, the heavier Xi Mo’s breathing became.
Am I really… the one Ruan Yesheng most wanted to dream of?
Xi Mo asked herself in her heart.
Ruan Yesheng felt Xi Mo holding her breath, barely daring to breathe. She narrowed her eyes and quietly smiled in the dark. Her drunkenness was indeed getting deeper, but she was not truly asleep. She waited for Xi Mo so impatiently that no matter how sleepy she was, she still forced herself to wait for Xi Mo to come back.
She also knew that Xi Mo’s reaction now should be because she thought Ruan Yesheng was talking in her sleep. Such a once in a lifetime chance, how could Ruan Yesheng not seize it.
Right now, Ruan Yesheng was actually half awake and half dazed. When she spoke, her words were not very clear. That half of her clear mind wanted to pretend in front of Xi Mo, so she let her speech become even more blurred.
“...Xi Mo, do you have someone you like?” Ruan Yesheng said, close to Xi Mo’s ear.
The hot breath she breathed out curled into Xi Mo’s ear, and Xi Mo almost shivered.
Ruan Yesheng continued to murmur to herself. “...I do.”
The end of her voice seemed wrapped in wine. “I have liked her for a very long time. I... really like her*, really like her. I also... also hope she can really like me, really like me.”
*reminder that pronouns in spoken Chinese are gender-neutral, so RYS isn't outing herself here.
Xi Mo’s body almost started to tremble lightly, but she still pricked up her ears to listen.
Before, in Heizhugou, she heard Ruan Yesheng say she had someone she liked, but would not tell her. She was very unhappy then.
But at this moment, hearing Ruan Yesheng talk in her sleep about someone she liked so much, someone she liked from long ago, her heartbeat almost reached an unprecedented speed.
“I hope the one I like, she can...” Ruan Yesheng’s charm tangled in the wine, as if sinking into the bones. “...hold me.”
Ruan Yesheng was holding Xi Mo’s waist now. Hearing this line, Xi Mo felt as if her waist suddenly tightened.
Using the chance of being “drunk,” Ruan Yesheng finally shook out the love she had been unable to release. She held it in for too long. She was just one spark away from bursting. Now, with a cover to hide behind, she was almost reckless.
Anyway, she was “drunk.”
“And also...” Ruan Yesheng said, “...she can kiss me.”
Xi Mo’s ear almost went numb from that “kiss me.”
“And I want her...” Ruan Yesheng’s breathing went up and down, like she was panting, “to love me... dearly.”
When Xi Mo heard the tone of Ruan Yesheng’s words, even though she had never dated before, she knew very well what kind of heart shaking meaning that “love me dearly” carried.
After saying this, Ruan Yesheng stopped.
She relied on being drunk to say flirtatious words, but she did not dare say too much. After drinking, her body was already hot. After speaking, it burned even more. Her ears also felt like fire was burning.
Xi Mo was burning too.
On such a quiet and cold night, under the hazy wine scent and these “drunken words,” everything burned, growing hotter and hotter.
Xi Mo’s chest rose and fell hard as she waited for Ruan Yesheng’s next words.
She actually... wanted to hear Ruan Yesheng say more.
But after that, Ruan Yesheng went quiet. Only her breathing stayed heavy. She had to keep a limit. If she crossed it, she feared she’d scare Xi Mo. So she held back and didn’t make another sound. Her body stayed pressed close to Xi Mo, and her hand didn’t want to let go at all.
Heat and drunkenness fermented inside Ruan Yesheng’s body. Little by little, she couldn’t keep that bit of clarity. She didn’t even know how she fell asleep. She only knew her awareness grew heavier, while her body felt lighter instead.
As if lifted by a thread of fragrance, floating.
It felt like she was in a darkness filled with hidden scent. Then the darkness slowly scattered. Everything before her eyes was gradually replaced by white light. That white light seemed to wrap something. She couldn’t see clearly, only rising and falling inside it.
Slowly, the white light also faded, revealing what was covered beneath.
A manor appeared before her eyes.
Ruan Yesheng was far too familiar with this manor. She’d been here many times. It was the Xi family manor. Only this time, the Xi family manor seemed to exist alone within a field of white light. It looked dreamlike. Even the road at the gate couldn’t be seen clearly, half real and half empty.
Clearly so unreal, yet Ruan Yesheng seemed deeply trapped in it. She didn’t notice anything different from the manor in her memory.
She looked younger, as if time had gone backward. Her eyes held the clear brightness of youth. Yet from that innocence, one could still glimpse a bit of hidden charm. She seemed unable to see the white light at all. She stood alone in the floating glow, holding a letter in her hand.
On the envelope was a hand drawn osmanthus flower. The strokes were a bit clumsy, but the shape was formed. Beside it was written a graceful solar term name, Cold Dew.
A figure walked over and called to her, “Miss Ruan?”
Ruan Yesheng turned around and saw it was Ding Ru. She quickly greeted him, “Hello, Mr. Ding.”
“Miss Ruan, are you here to look for Xi Mo?” Ding Ru asked with a warm smile.
“Yes.” Ruan Yesheng’s reply sounded a bit downcast. “But someone from the manor just came out and told me she isn’t here.”
“Then why don’t you call her and ask when she’ll be back?” Ding Ru said.
“No... no need.” Ruan Yesheng lowered her head slightly.
“You already came to the manor, so you must have something important to see her about, right?” Ding Ru was thoughtful and considerate. “Do you want me to help you call her? I can ask her to come back.”
“She isn’t at home, so I’d better not... disturb her.” Ruan Yesheng hesitated for a moment, then handed the letter in her hand to Ding Ru. “I actually just want to give her a letter. If she comes home, could you help pass it to her, Mr. Ding?”
“Of course.” Ding Ru smiled. “I’ll make sure it gets to her.”
Ding Ru walked into the manor. Ruan Yesheng’s eyes dimmed. She stood at the gate and looked on for a long while before finally stepping away, about to turn around.
“What are you doing here?” A cold woman’s voice asked from behind her.
Ruan Yesheng suddenly went dazed.
Then her whole body jolted. She turned back with joy.
This translation was originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
Xi Mo stood in the white light and looked at her. She looked the same as well, as if time had gone back to those years. She still held that proud, high and distant air, but her brows and eyes still showed some youth.
“Y... you came back?” Ruan Yesheng said.
She vaguely felt something was wrong. In her subconscious, she seemed to think Xi Mo would not come back at this time. So why was Xi Mo here.
But she also felt that Xi Mo appearing here was the best and most fitting picture. It was like waiting and longing for so many years, and that obsession finally came true.
“This is my home.” Xi Mo frowned. “Why can’t I come back?”
Ruan Yesheng let out a small laugh.
“You were looking for me?” Xi Mo asked her.
Ruan Yesheng nodded.
“What were you looking for me about?” Xi Mo asked again.
Seeing Xi Mo, the unease and loss she felt while standing outside the gate suddenly vanished. She seemed to come alive. Her brows and eyes carried a smile, and she said openly, “I have a letter I want to give you.”
“Where’s the letter?” Xi Mo looked her up and down.
Ruan Yesheng quickly said, “I thought you hadn’t come back. I happened to meet Mr. Ding at the gate, so I gave the letter to him and asked him to pass it to you. He already took it inside just now.”
Xi Mo looked at her for a long while and didn’t say anything. Then she walked toward the gate. Ruan Yesheng stayed where she was and didn’t move. Xi Mo noticed she didn’t follow, so she quickly walked back to her side and said, a bit unhappy, “Aren’t you going in?”
Ruan Yesheng hesitated a little. “...I just wanted to give you the letter. Since Mr. Ding already took it into the manor, I won’t go in...”
Ruan Yesheng hadn’t finished speaking when Xi Mo reached out and pulled her forward by the hand. Ruan Yesheng lowered her head and stared blankly at the hand holding hers. It almost felt like a dream again. How could Xi Mo take her hand on her own.
But what she saw was real.
Ruan Yesheng was dazed for a moment, then quickly accepted it. She secretly enjoyed the joy of being held by Xi Mo and obediently followed her toward the manor.
After entering the manor living room, Ding Ru saw the two of them come in. He smiled and handed the letter to Xi Mo. Ding Ru didn’t stay long at the Xi house. He wasn’t there to see Xi Ji, Xi Mo’s father. He just came to pick up his dog. Soon, he left with the dog that had been staying at the manor.
The manor was very quiet. Auntie Zhou and the other helpers were not around.
It seemed there were only Xi Mo and Ruan Yesheng.
Xi Mo didn’t hesitate at all and went to take the letter from the coffee table.
“...Wait.” Ruan Yesheng said quickly. “I’ll leave soon. After I leave, then you can read it.”
“I won’t.” Xi Mo refused flatly and even seemed a little sulky.
Ruan Yesheng: “...”
Xi Mo opened Ruan Yesheng’s envelope and took out the letter. After reading it, she frowned even more. “You’re going to quit the entertainment industry?”
Ruan Yesheng bit her lower lip and nodded. She had made this decision with great difficulty.
“You’re not making movies anymore?” Xi Mo said. “Isn’t acting what you like most? And you’re very popular right now. So many resources are waiting for you. You’re giving it up just like that? Once you give it up, the Best Actress award you want most will never be yours.”
“I... it’s not convenient for me.” Ruan Yesheng said with difficulty.
“Are you having some kind of trouble? You can tell me. Maybe I can help.” Today, Xi Mo still looked as cold as usual, but there was a different kind of gentleness in her, a gentleness Ruan Yesheng had always wanted to feel, but Xi Mo couldn’t give her back then.
Ruan Yesheng felt touched, but she still shook her head. She didn’t want to drag Xi Mo into her problems. She said, “It’s not like I won’t come back forever. I’m just taking a break. Once I solve my problem, I’ll come back to act again.”
“Will it take a long time?” Xi Mo asked.
“I’m not sure about that.” Ruan Yesheng frowned.
“If it takes a long time, then when you come back, it will be hard to...” Xi Mo started, then quickly corrected herself. “I’ll wait for you. If you come back and don’t have resources, I’ll help you.”
Ruan Yesheng looked at her and smiled. She finally spoke honestly, “Thank you. I wanted to give you this letter, to say goodbye, and invite you to my place for a meal. I’ll cook for you.”
“Let’s do it here.” Xi Mo suddenly said, staring at her.
“Ah?” Ruan Yesheng froze.
“Cook for me here.” Xi Mo’s gaze was a bit serious. “The time you wrote in the letter, I’m worried that if I have something come up, I might miss it and it would mess up going to your place. Since you’re here today, we can just eat together here.”
Ruan Yesheng apologized, “I wasn’t thinking it through. I set a time in the letter on my own, without asking if you were free that day.”
“Are you still worried I might not be able to go to your place for the meal?” Xi Mo said. “Otherwise, why wouldn’t you just call or set a time in person instead of writing a letter?”
Ruan Yesheng was at a loss for words.
Xi Mo seemed to see right through all her thoughts. “You wrote me a letter, but wanted to meet me in person to give it. Just now, at the manor gate, you didn’t plan to go in. Even if you did, you told me to wait until you left to read the letter. You wrote the meal time and address in the letter in advance. Reading a letter isn’t as direct as calling or meeting in person. You want to see me, but you’re afraid I’ll refuse the invitation face to face, right?”
Ruan Yesheng lowered her eyes, silent, caught right at her heart.
This block of wood... when did she become so insightful?
Why didn’t she notice at all before?
What is happening today?
But every word Xi Mo said hit the tip of her heart, making it tremble along. She felt both embarrassed that Xi Mo saw through her, and incredibly happy that Xi Mo could see through her, hovering on a line of contradiction.
Seeing her remain silent, Xi Mo continued clearly, “I read the letter. Either I go, or I don’t. I might even not read it. But no matter what, you want to mark the address and time. Unless I tell you I can’t make it and set another time, you’ll cook the meal waiting for me that day, right?”
Ruan Yesheng was completely stunned.
Everything Xi Mo said was right.
“That’s your wish.” Xi Mo’s voice was so gentle. “No matter whether you think it’ll happen or not, you’ll wait, won’t you?”
“Xi Mo, I...” Ruan Yesheng wanted to speak but stopped.
“Then, we’ll do it here today.” Xi Mo said. “Anyway, there’s no one at home to cook.”
“Where is Auntie Zhou and the others?” Ruan Yesheng found it strange. Her eyes drifted around the living room. “Your house feels so quiet today.”
“They’re all on holiday, and my dad isn’t here either.” Xi Mo’s voice sounded strangely tempting to Ruan Yesheng. “It’s just the two of us here.”
Ruan Yesheng’s heart skipped a beat again.
“Are we doing it or not?” Xi Mo frowned.
Ruan Yesheng’s heart seemed to miss countless beats. She quickly said, “Yes, I’ll cook for you.”
Dinner was cooked by Ruan Yesheng. Xi Mo wasn’t good at housework, but she stayed by her side, helping with whatever she could. When they started eating, Xi Mo opened a bottle of red wine and the two of them took small sips.
“You’re going to have an even better career in the future. I’m leaving this industry. We’ll hardly have chances to meet like before.” Ruan Yesheng felt a bit down thinking of this. She lowered her head and took a sip of wine. “Though it seemed like you didn’t really like seeing me before, and I was always the one following you.”
“If you want to see me, you can call me.” Xi Mo swirled the wine in her glass, the motion highlighting her long fingers.
“You’re busy too.” Ruan Yesheng couldn’t help but smile. “How could you come to see me just because I called?”
“I can schedule a time with you.”
Ruan Yesheng’s wine glass pause slightly.
The meal left Ruan Yesheng dazed. She forgot how much wine she had. After they finished, she and Xi Mo cleaned up together, acting almost hysterically the whole time. She felt Xi Mo today was very different, and she liked this side of Xi Mo so much, she could hardly pull herself away.
Xi Mo sat on the sofa, hugging a stuffed dolphin toy, scrolling through her phone.
That stuffed toy was one of the gifts Ruan Yesheng had given her.
Ruan Yesheng stared at the toy, feeling like Xi Mo had never really received it before, yet here she was holding it. She found it strange, not knowing why her subconscious made her think that way.
Her steps faltered a little as she walked over and sat next to Xi Mo.
“Don’t go back tonight,” Xi Mo said, putting down her phone and looking at Ruan Yesheng. “You seem a little drunk.”
“Am I... drunk?” Ruan Yesheng touched her face, feeling it was a bit hot.
“You drank a lot.” Xi Mo turned her face to her. “Are you in a bad mood?”
“Nonsense.” Ruan Yesheng looked at Xi Mo’s gentle concern and, without thinking, teased her back. “I’m in a great mood. That’s why I drank.”
Her eyes flicked. “How about you? Eating with me… are you in a good mood?”
“Yes.” Xi Mo nodded.
Ruan Yesheng’s vision blurred with drunkenness as she looked at her and smiled.
“Do you want to turn on the TV?” Xi Mo asked.
“Okay.” Ruan Yesheng felt a strange, burning tension in the quiet. “Even as background noise, it’s nice.”
Xi Mo turned on the TV and played a movie. “Isn’t it a waste to use it as a background noise? I plan to actually watch it.”
Ruan Yesheng realized the movie playing was the one she starred in, "Sound Of Steps". This film was what had helped her first stand out in the film world, bringing her continuous offers. Watching her own movie with Xi Mo felt so surreal, almost like a dream.
On screen, Ruan Yesheng wore a red dress, turning back in the snow. White snow, red dress, this beauty could almost steal a person’s soul.
Xi Mo stared at Ruan Yesheng on the screen.
Ruan Yesheng, drunker now, felt her eyes could drip, leaning against Xi Mo, her gaze nearly uncontrollable, staring at Xi Mo in a way that felt almost bare.
“…Is it good?” Ruan Yesheng murmured, almost in a dream. “What do you think of me in it?”
She had never heard Xi Mo’s thoughts on "Sound Of Steps". She even thought Xi Mo had never watched it and wouldn’t care.
Xi Mo turned to her and said, “It’s good.”
Ruan Yesheng looked closely into Xi Mo’s eyes, seeing endless gentleness in the dark pupils.
They were very close, feeling Xi Mo’s breath. Ruan Yesheng’s own breathing quickened. After hesitating, she couldn’t help leaning toward her, resting on Xi Mo’s shoulder. “…You’re right, I’m a little drunk… what should I do?”
Her breath grew hotter.
…What should I do?
She seemed to be asking herself.
Xi Mo’s voice sounded softly in her ear: “Do you… like me?”
Ruan Yesheng’s heart leapt. She quickly lifted her head from Xi Mo’s shoulder, cheeks flushed. She didn’t know if it was the wine heating her face or Xi Mo’s question stirring her.
Xi Mo leaned closer, their noses nearly touching. “Do you like me?”
“I…” Ruan Yesheng’s rosy lips moved.
Maybe it was the atmosphere that made Ruan Yesheng’s long-hidden feelings boil over, and pushed by the wine, she asked the question herself: “Then… do you like me?”
Xi Mo didn’t answer. She tilted her face and kissed Ruan Yesheng on the lips.
Ruan Yesheng felt every pore in her body shiver. At that moment, it was as if all her restraints had been thrown away. She didn’t want to think about anything, reaching out to hug Xi Mo and pressing her lips back.
Xi Mo’s hands wrapped around her, holding her tightly against her body.
—I hope the one I like… can hold me.
Xi Mo parted Ruan Yesheng’s lips, teasing her tongue inside.
—And… kiss me.
Ruan Yesheng’s mind went numb, nearly suffocating under Xi Mo’s embrace.
—And love me… dearly.
The world seemed to spin. Ruan Yesheng fell back onto the sofa, and Xi Mo leaned over her, still holding onto this intoxicating kiss.
Ruan Yesheng let herself go more, meeting Xi Mo’s heat. When she felt Xi Mo’s fingers undoing her buttons, she didn’t resist. Instead, she hinted teasingly, “Xi Mo, I… haven’t showered yet.”
Xi Mo glanced at her and lifted her from the sofa.
“Then… let’s go to the bathroom,” Xi Mo said softly, looking down at her as they walked.
Author's Note:
Ruanruan, look at that crazy dream you had! Typical of you.
But thinking about it, it’s kind of bittersweet. This was Ruanruan’s obsession. Back then Xi Mo never received her gift or letter, and Xi Mo didn’t come back at the time. But today, in her dream, Ruanruan fulfilled that obsession.
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