Chapter 186: Desire
This translation was originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
Xi Mo always held herself well. On the surface, she looked hard to approach. But in truth, she was careful and thoughtful, and she liked to quietly think for the people around her.
She noticed that after Shen Qingbie saw her, Shen Qingbie started to hesitate when speaking. Xi Mo knew Shen Qingbie must have something important to discuss with Ruan Yesheng. It was just inconvenient with her present. So she took out her phone and glanced at it like it was nothing. Then she said to Ruan Yesheng, “Lu Qingming’s looking for me. I need to go out and call him back.”
“Okay,” Ruan Yesheng said. She guessed Xi Mo’s intention and smiled in cooperation. “Go ahead.”
“This call might take a while,” Xi Mo added.
“I get it,” Ruan Yesheng said. She understood her even more and smiled wider. “I’ll stay here and eat breakfast with Qingqing.”
Xi Mo looked at her, didn’t delay, turned around cleanly, and left.
Shen Qingbie let out a huge breath of relief. She quickly pulled Ruan Yesheng into the room, shut the door fast, then hurried to stand next to her, like she had just seen a great savior.
Ruan Yesheng saw how strange Shen Qingbie looked and felt worried. While setting the breakfast on the table, she asked softly, “What’s wrong? Did something big happen? I’ve never seen you this flustered before.”
Shen Qingbie stood in front of her. Her hands were clasped together, fingers twisting slowly. She kept her head down and didn’t speak.
“What are you doing?” Ruan Yesheng laughed helplessly. “You look like a student who messed up and ran into the dean. Am I that scary?”
“I really did mess up, Ruanruan,” Shen Qingbie finally said weakly. “And it’s the kind you can’t undo.”
“What happened? Can you tell me clearly?” Ruan Yesheng felt nervous too. She waved Shen Qingbie over and said gently, “Come sit down. Eat while you talk. If you skip breakfast, your stomach will hurt. When Yu An finds out, she’ll worry again. Yu An asked me to bring you breakfast.”
When Shen Qingbie heard “Yu An,” her face got even more panicked. She was usually talkative, but now she couldn’t say a single word for a long time.
It was like the name “Yu An” blocked her mouth completely.
Ruan Yesheng watched her closely for a bit. She thought of Yu An’s unusual behavior at breakfast and connected it with Shen Qingbie’s current state. She asked softly, “Did something happen between you and Yu An?”
Shen Qingbie: “…”
“Did you argue?” Ruan Yesheng said. “Yu An didn’t look quite right this morning.”
“No, no,” Shen Qingbie explained quickly. “We didn’t argue.”
But she couldn’t help worrying about Yu An. She asked carefully, “A’Yu… did she look very unhappy today?”
“Not really unhappy,” Ruan Yesheng thought for a moment. “More like she has something heavy on her mind.”
Shen Qingbie sighed. The sigh sounded like she was carrying a thousand-pound weight.
Ruan Yesheng pushed the bowl of porridge toward her. “Didn’t you say you had something very important to tell me? Why are you hesitating again?”
“Ruanruan, I…” Shen Qingbie held the bowl with both hands. Her eyes fell on the white porridge.
“It’s about Yu An, right?” Ruan Yesheng asked.
Shen Qingbie didn’t need to hide anything in front of her. She trusted Ruan Yesheng completely. She nodded heavily and admitted it.
Ruan Yesheng poured herself a cup of warm water and took a sip. Her voice grew even gentler. “So what happened exactly? You want my help but won’t tell me clearly. How can I help you?”
Shen Qingbie’s shoulders stiffened. She froze there, not moving.
After a while, she slowly raised her head and looked at Ruan Yesheng. Her cheeks flushed. She finally gathered her courage and said the truth. “Ruanruan, the big thing is… last night… last night I slept with A’Yu.”
“…Pfft.” Ruan Yesheng was drinking water and got completely shocked. She cared a lot about her image, but at this moment, it was like she got struck by lightning. She almost sprayed the water out and quickly covered her mouth.
She coughed while covering her mouth, grabbed a napkin from the table, and wiped the water from her lips.
“Ruanruan, slow down. Are you okay?” Shen Qingbie got scared too and handed her the whole box of napkins.
Ruan Yesheng coughed for a long time before she recovered. She looked at Shen Qingbie.
After saying it out loud, Shen Qingbie felt relieved instead. She wasn’t as awkward anymore and asked directly, “You’re not scared, right? I’m counting on you to help me decide what to do.”
“I’m not scared,” Ruan Yesheng shook her head slowly. “I’m just scared to death.”
Shen Qingbie: “…”
Ruan Yesheng felt all kinds of emotions at once. She said, “No wonder Yu An looked like that this morning.”
“It’s all my fault,” Shen Qingbie said guiltily. “I shouldn’t have drunk so much Dream Wine last night. I don’t know what happened. I got so drunk my head wasn’t clear. A’Yu drank too much too. We got confused and… and ended up sleeping together. When I woke up, I saw both of us naked in bed. I was scared out of my mind.”
She always spoke plainly. Saying something this shameful didn’t embarrass her much. What made her stumble was guilt toward Yu An.
Ruan Yesheng listened carefully.
Shen Qingbie lowered her eyes. “A’Yu is straight. I slept with her. She definitely… can’t accept it.”
Ruan Yesheng looked at her for a long while. She realized Shen Qingbie wasn’t very bothered by sleeping with Yu An itself. What she cared about was how Yu An felt after it.
“Aren’t you straight too?” Ruan Yesheng often heard Shen Qingbie say that. After hearing so much about her and Yu An, she understood something and said meaningfully, “Can you accept it?”
“Huh?” Shen Qingbie didn’t realize it at all. She was stunned by the question.
Ruan Yesheng’s gaze was clear as she looked at her. “When you woke up and found out, what did you feel first? Did it make you uncomfortable? Did you feel disgusted?”
Shen Qingbie answered without thinking. “How could I feel uncomfortable? And no way would I feel disgusted.”
“You’re afraid Yu An feels uncomfortable and disgusted, right?” Ruan Yesheng understood even more.
“…Mm.” Shen Qingbie lowered her head. She looked pitiful. “Ruanruan, what should I do? I don’t know how to face A’Yu. Will she ignore me from now on? Help me decide. I’m really a mess.”
“I can’t decide for you,” Ruan Yesheng said seriously. “This isn’t something I can interfere with. It’s something you need to figure out yourself. Only you can truly help yourself. If I say too much, it might guide you in a direction.”
Shen Qingbie was slow in emotional matters. Ruan Yesheng couldn’t mention feelings directly. She could only speak gently.
“Do you understand what I mean?” she asked.
Shen Qingbie shook her head.
Ruan Yesheng smiled. “It’s okay if you don’t. Just follow your heart. Do what you truly think.”
Shen Qingbie frowned. Her eyes looked a bit lost.
“Qingqing, I’ll help you,” Ruan Yesheng said with a smile in her eyes. She felt like a warm force people could fully trust. “You can talk to me about anything like this. I’ll listen and keep it secret. But you need to make your own choice.”
“…Ruanruan.” Shen Qingbie pouted, stepped forward, and hugged her.
Ruan Yesheng patted her back gently. “Don’t panic. Calm down. Think it through. And see how Yu An reacts.”
“I don’t know what to do yet,” Shen Qingbie said. “But after telling you all this, I feel much better. Thank you for listening.”
“As long as you need someone to listen, I’ll be here,” Ruan Yesheng said as she let go. “I’ll go back to the film crew soon. It’s not easy to use my phone while filming. You can message me. I’ll reply when I see it. Eat your breakfast first.”
“Okay,” Shen Qingbie said. She felt much more at ease and lowered her head to sip her porridge.
Ruan Yesheng watched her eat and sighed softly.
She really couldn’t decide emotional matters for Shen Qingbie. What kind of feelings Shen Qingbie had for Yu An was something Shen Qingbie had to face herself.
The same goes for Xi Mo. Ruan Yesheng had to face that herself too.
But she didn’t know what to do either. The dream in the bathroom with Xi Mo last night pushed her deeper. She felt she couldn’t turn back anymore.
Yan Niang said Dream Wine reflected inner desire.
So this was… her desire?
After breakfast, Shen Qingbie packed her luggage to prepare to leave. Ruan Yesheng chatted with her for a while, then left.
In the hallway, she saw Xi Mo standing alone at her door from afar. She quickly walked over.
Xi Mo didn’t speak when she saw her. She just looked at her, like she’d been waiting a long time.
Ruan Yesheng smiled. “Done with the call?”
“Mm,” Xi Mo answered lightly.
This translation was originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
She looked calm and didn’t ask about Shen Qingbie. It wasn’t that she didn’t care. She just never pried into others’ privacy.
“We’ll head home soon,” Ruan Yesheng said. “Go pack up.”
“…I’m already packed. We can leave anytime.” Since waking up, Xi Mo’s gaze always carried a hint of unease when she looked at Ruan Yesheng.
But she kept looking at her.
“So fast?” Ruan Yesheng knew exactly why and teased her on purpose. “Looks like that call wasn’t long. Guess Lu Qingming didn’t have anything that ‘important.’ You spent the time packing instead.”
Xi Mo: “…”
“Xi Mo,” Ruan Yesheng’s soft lips moved.
“Mm?” Xi Mo’s eyes showed a bit of tension.
“Did you have fun at this bar?” Ruan Yesheng asked gently.
The air felt quiet.
After a while, Xi Mo said, “…It was okay.”
“That’s good,” Ruan Yesheng said with a trembling heart, smiling. “I also… had a lot of fun.”
She had a dream.
A beautiful dream she didn’t dare tell Xi Mo.
She was happy.
But she was also uneasy and guilty. She let her desire follow the Dream Wine and dreamed such thoughts alone. Was that disrespectful to Xi Mo? If Xi Mo knew, what would she think?
They spent New Year’s Day at the bar. Around ten in the morning, everyone settled the bill and prepared to leave.
Yan Niang’s charming eyes looked over them one by one.
Xi Mo looked a bit stiff. Ruan Yesheng stared at the bar counter, lost in thought. Yu An stood at the side with pressed lips. Shen Qingbie looked dazed and kept sneaking glances at Yu An. Cui Jiayu had already left early. Only Lin Tingyu and Lin Tingshuang looked normal.
“Looking forward to your next visit,” Yan Niang said with a smile.
“Thank you for the hospitality,” Ruan Yesheng replied generously.
A’Mei’s aunt wasn’t around, but A’Mei was very enthusiastic. She walked them to the parking area. Ruan Yesheng got in the car. A’Mei waved through the window. “If you want Dream Wine, come again next time.”
Ruan Yesheng: “…”
“…Okay,” she replied calmly, though her heart trembled.
Dream Wine felt like poison eating into her bones. It was addictive because her desire was addictive.
She was afraid of sinking into it, yet couldn’t resist.
Unless one day, Xi Mo could ease that desire.
New Year’s time passed in a blink. Ruan Yesheng and Xi Mo had a short holiday and soon returned to Beijing to the “Seeing This Letter Is Like Meeting You In Person” crew.
Ruan Yesheng couldn’t meet Shen Qingbie, but she could feel Shen Qingbie had changed a lot. Before, Shen Qingbie talked nonstop in the “Shanghai Sisters” group. Now she rarely spoke. Yu An showed up even less.
Lin Tingshuang thought Shen Qingbie was just busy filming. Only Ruan Yesheng knew Shen Qingbie was facing the biggest trouble of her life.
Ruan Yesheng had her own troubles too. She poured her focus into filming. She spent more time understanding the role of Yu Miao.
Script readings continued for several days. One night, Gu Ru invited Ruan Yesheng and Xi Mo to eat hot pot.
That was probably the only thing Gu Ru and her sister Gu Cen had in common. They both liked hot pot.
“Filming starts officially tomorrow,” Gu Ru said as she dipped beef skillfully. “Before New Year, you asked me how to define the relationship between Yu Miao and Xiao Ruojin. I told you to find your own understanding first. So, have you found it?”
“I think I have,” Ruan Yesheng said after thinking.
Xi Mo didn’t speak.
“Ruanruan, tell me,” Gu Ru said with interest.
Ruan Yesheng said carefully, “I think this feeling goes far beyond friendship.”
Xi Mo glanced at her from the corner of her eye.
Gu Ru smiled and looked at Xi Mo. “What about you?”
Xi Mo was close to Gu Ru and spoke directly. “I also have an understanding. But I want to hear your definition first, to see if it matches. You wrote the script. You know it best. Filming starts tomorrow. If Ruan Yesheng and I misunderstand your intent, how do we act?”
Gu Ru finished her beef slowly, then said, “I asked you both out today to tell you the real emotional definition of this film.”
Ruan Yesheng and Xi Mo both looked at her.
“Yu Miao and Xiao Ruojin,” Gu Ru said, “their relationship is… love.”
Xi Mo: “…”
Ruan Yesheng wasn’t surprised at all.
Gu Ru continued, “But I won’t make it obvious in the final cut. One, it won’t pass review. Two, some things lose their flavor when stated clearly. So I didn’t write it clearly in the script. How the audience interprets it is up to them. I’m only responsible for telling the story.”
“But,” Gu Ru’s tone turned serious, “even if it isn’t explicit in the final film, you must understand and feel this love during filming. You need to act with love. Only then will the characters have souls. If Yu Miao and Xiao Ruojin don’t love each other, they aren’t truly alive.”
Alive.
That was Gu Ru’s concept of her characters.
Not flat fictional figures, but living people with flesh and souls, stepping out of words through the camera, design, and actors’ sincere emotions.
She smiled and looked at Xi Mo. “Xi Mo, I didn’t explain this clearly at first. I admit it was selfish. If I told you, you probably wouldn’t have taken the script.”
“…You know me well,” Xi Mo said lightly.
“We’ve known each other so long. Of course I do,” Gu Ru said. “There’s one more thing. I’m waiting for snow. There’s a big snow scene you need to film. It’s not in the script, but if conditions allow, we’ll shoot it.”
“Not in the script?” Xi Mo frowned.
Ruan Yesheng was confused too.
“This scene needs to be filmed, but it won’t all be shown in the movie. I’ll only take some parts of it,” Gu Ru said. She always had her own unique ideas. She said, “This is a kissing scene between Yu Miao and Xiao Ruojin in the snow. What I want in the end is the small reactions left on their faces and bodies after the kiss. But I can’t let the public or the censors see that they’ve kissed. This will be one of the hidden secrets in the movie. A subtle way of showing it will add a restrained beauty to the film, and real movie lovers can find more in it. It can also avoid censorship.”
Xi Mo: “…”
Ruan Yesheng’s cheeks felt hot.
Did she…hear that right?
She and Xi Mo were going to film… a kiss scene?
Author’s Note:
Ruanruan, you heard right. It’s really a kiss scene. Approved by Director Gu.
The kiss scene is finally coming. Ruanruan, are you crying?
520* passed a few hours ago, so happy 521 to everyone.
*May 20–21, known as internet Valentine’s Day. 520 means “I love you” because 五二零 (Wǔ’èr líng)** sounds similar to 我爱你 (Wǒ ài nǐ) in Mandarin. Likewise, 521 (五二一/Wǔ’èryī) resembles 我愿意 (Wǒ yuànyì), which means “I am willing” or “I do.”
On May 20, people send love confessions, sweet messages, gifts, and red envelopes themed around 520. May 21 is often seen as the day to respond, typically with messages of acceptance or reciprocation.
