Chapter 194: Confession
This translation was originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
Dinner was ready. Ruan Yesheng placed the dishes on the table. When Xi Mo saw it, she hurried to help. Ruan Yesheng glanced at her quietly and chuckled, seeing her nervous and clumsy but also eager to help.
“It’s not like you’ve never been here before.” Ruan Yesheng teased her. “Why are you like it’s your first time?”
“…that's different.” Xi Mo sat straight at the table.
“What’s different?” Ruan Yesheng filled a bowl of soup and handed it to her.
Xi Mo stared at the bowl. After a moment, she only said, “Mm,” without giving a direct answer.
She didn’t know when it started. She felt she had changed, and changed a lot. That change slowly ate away at her long-closed heart. At first she was not used to it, and sometimes she doubted and resisted it. But now, she has accepted it, and even tasted a kind of complex feeling she never had before.
Like a ray of light Ruan Yesheng seeped into the shadow and loneliness she endured over the years, and unconcerned, she had been fully wrapped in her warmth.
If Ruan Yesheng was happy, she was happy. If Ruan Yesheng was in pain, she is in pain too.
Sometimes when Ruan Yesheng was too kind to others, her heart felt sour. At those times, she would feel something is wrong with her. Ruan Yesheng was an independent person. She could be kind to whomever she wanted. She could give as many hand-knit sweaters as she liked. Xi Mo knew she had no right to interfere. Even so, she could not control the sour feeling in her heart.
Maybe… she is too sick.
It's time to get treated.
Ruan Yesheng sat across from her and watched her face carefully. She felt Xi Mo’s expression change subtly, like she was troubled. She thought Xi Mo would not answer again.
But Xi Mo raised her head slightly. She did not look at her. Her eyes fell on the dishes. She said softly, “My state of mind… is different.”
Ruan Yesheng froze.
The heavy rain pounded against the window loudly and her heart also beat wildly in the noise.
Ruan Yesheng moved her lips, wanting to speak. Xi Mo looked at the window and said, “Why is the rain so heavy?”
“Do you find it noisy?” Ruan Yesheng asked, suppressing the turmoil in her heart.
“…Not really.”
They ate and the mood was subtle. After a while thunder sounded. Lightning flashed across the dark sky and reflected on the water-streaked glass, leaving a faint trace of light.
Then it disappeared.
“The thunder is loud too.” Xi Mo muttered. “And the lightning.”
Ruan Yesheng guessed what's going on and chuckled, “Tell me honestly. What do you want to say?”
“I asked Gu Qisong to go back halfway. I didn’t tell him to pick me up.” Xi Mo’s eyes darted at the dishes but didn't pick any up. “I don’t want to call him out again. But I can’t take a taxi home. It's inconvenient.”
“I can drive you home.” Ruan Yesheng was overjoyed but put on an earnest face of trying to help her solve the problem.
“In this wind and rain, with thunder and lightning, it’s dangerous for you if you drive me.” Xi Mo said.
“Oh.” Ruan Yesheng raised her eyelids. “Then just drive my car home. I won’t be in danger.”
Xi Mo: “…”
She held back, almost grinding her teeth, and looked at her with grievance. “Won’t I be in danger?”
Her eyes looked moist, filled with dissatisfaction and pitifulness. Ruan Yesheng’s heart melted. She couldn't act anymore. She said gently, “Then stay.”
Xi Mo paused, lowered her head quickly to hide her smile. “You’re the one who asked me to stay.”
“Yes, yes, yes.” Ruan Yesheng played along. “I’m afraid you’ll be in danger, so I’m begging you to stay. If you go back alone and get soaked, struck by thunder, blinded by lightning, that would be my fault. I’m a good person. I can’t let myself be guilty.”
Xi Mo did not refute. After a while, she only managed to squeeze out a slightly joyful, “…Mm.”
Her goal was achieved.
After dinner, Xi Mo offered to wash dishes as thanks for staying. Ruan Yesheng didn’t refuse and helped her clean up.
Water flowed over bowls and chopsticks. Xi Mo wasn’t skilled, but she was serious. In particular, she was a clean freak with OCD, so she washed them repeatedly.
Ruan Yesheng felt Xi Mo had changed too much.
…Did she change for her?
As Ruan Yesheng thought of this, her heart skipped a beat. A sense of shame for being delusional and an intense longing collided, making her feel as if she were being tossed and turned by the waves.
“Actually,you should buy a dishwasher.” Xi Mo said while washing. “Not that I don’t want to wash the dishes. I just feel that it's bad for the hands. Your hands are so… so… mm… beautiful. You dance and act. There will be close-up shots in ads, so it's better to take good care of them.”
Ruan Yesheng snapped out of her thoughts and replied sadly, "Yes, I should have bought a dishwasher a long time ago."
This translation was originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
Xi Mo noticed her low spirits and asked softly. “What’s wrong?”
“When my mom was home, she was the one who cooked.” Ruan Yesheng stared at the sink. “She was rarely home, so she wanted to make up for me. I wanted to help wash dishes, but she wouldn’t let me. I thought I should buy a dishwasher. I even wanted to sell this house and buy a bigger one after I earned money.”
She paused. “But… my mom doesn’t come home anymore, so I don’t want to change the kitchen. Keeping it the same feels better.”
…Doesn’t come home anymore.
Xi Mo pondered the meaning of those words. She had asked Ruan Yesheng's parents before why they didn't come to see their daughter when she was hospitalized, and Ruan Yesheng had replied that they had gone abroad.
“You’re right.” Ruan Yesheng forced a smile. “I should make some changes. Starting with the house.”
Xi Mo hesitated but couldn't say anything. She just lowered her head and silently washed the dishes.
As the night deepened, rain grew heavier. Xi Mo finished washing up and went to the room Ruan Yesheng prepared for her. She opened the curtain and looked out the city lights blurred by rain mist. These lights, far removed from the hustle and bustle of the day, possessed a tranquil and soothing quality in the night.
She left the window, walked to the bed and looked at the quilt and new pillow that Ruan Yesheng prepared for her.
Wearing Ruan Yesheng’s pajamas, she sat by the bed, touched the sheet gently, and rolled up the corner of her pajama.
After a period of quiet, she still couldn't fall asleep, so she got up and left the room, knocking on Ruan Yesheng's master bedroom door.
“Yesheng. Are you asleep?”
The door opened quickly. Ruan Yesheng stood there in a soft white nightdress. It covered her knees, revealing her straight and beautiful legs. She smiled. “Not yet. What's the matter? Can’t sleep at my house?”
“…A little.” Xi Mo secretly tugged at the hem of her pajamas, “What were you doing?”
“I just finished showering. I'm just sitting here, emptying my mind.” A faint sadness passed her eyes.
Xi Mo probably guessed what was going on and gently asked her, "May I come in and sit for a while?"
“Of course.” Ruan Yesheng made way for her.
Xi Mo walked into the room. Ruan Yesheng did not close the door. She only followed behind Xi Mo.
After Xi Mo entered, her eyes looked around the room. She had come into Ruan Yesheng’s room earlier that night. At that time Ruan Yesheng was choosing pajamas for her and asked which style she wanted to wear. Now she noticed that the photo of Ruan Yesheng’s mother, which had been on the desk before, was now placed on the bedside table.
And on the bedsheet near the bedside table, there was a mark left from someone sitting there for a long time.
Xi Mo immediately understood that before this, Ruan Yesheng must have been sitting at the edge of the bed, looking at her mother’s photo. When she heard the knock on the door, she quickly stood up to open it for her, and casually put the photo on the bedside table.
“Can I sit on your bed?” Xi Mo asked carefully.
“Of course.” Ruan Yesheng smiled and naturally pulled Xi Mo’s hand to sit down.
Xi Mo trembled slightly as she pulled her, but managed to steady herself and quickly sat up straight on the edge of the bed. Ruan Yesheng's palms were a little hot, so Xi Mo rubbed her own palms together and asked in a low voice,
"Do you miss your mother?"
Ruan Yesheng was silent for a moment, then said, "Mm."
The two sat side by side on the edge of the bed. Xi Mo's gaze swept over the photo on the bedside table, and she said, "I miss my mother too. But... she will never come back."
A bittersweet feeling welled up in Ruan Yesheng's heart, and her lips trembled slightly.
“I believe your mother will come back.” Xi Mo placed her hand on her shoulder.
Ruan Yesheng's shoulders trembled, and looked at Xi Mo in disbelief.
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry into your privacy.” Xi Mo’s expression was serious. “You told me before that your mother was abroad. I thought if you missed her, you could call her or video chat with her; communication is so advanced, it’s not difficult. But all the signs I’ve seen suggest that your mother is probably not abroad…”
The warmth of her palms seemed to seep through the skin of her shoulders and into Ruan Yesheng's body.
“Is… is she missing?” Xi Mo asked carefully. “You’ve been looking for clues, haven't you?”
Ruan Yesheng lowered her head, staring at the wooden floor of the room, without saying a word.
“…I’m sorry.” Xi Mo withdrew her hand, suddenly feeling a little regretful, but she still expressed her thoughts very honestly: “I know I shouldn’t have asked you this question. But…if I didn’t ask you, you wouldn’t tell me the truth, and I…I would never be able to help you share this difficulty.”
Ruan Yesheng slowly raised her head, turned her face to the side, and looked into Xi Mo's eyes.
Xi Mo's eyes were sincere and gentle. The lightning, thunder, and rain outside the window seemed to have faded away. Ruan Yesheng was captivated by her gentle, night-like eyes and was momentarily stunned.
“Yesheng, I can help you. Xi Mo said. “Please believe me, it’s always better for two people to carry this burden than for one. I promise you, I won’t reveal your privacy. You must have had a reason for hiding your mother’s situation from me. I’ll help you find her, and I’ll be very careful not to alert anyone else.”
Ruan Yesheng’s eyes turned red. After a long time, she gently nodded. “I believe you.”
“I am indeed looking for my mom; she has been missing for a long time,” Ruan Yesheng said truthfully. “This matter is rather complicated. If I tell you, you might be in danger, so… I hope you can give me some time to think about it.”
Xi Mo agreed, "No problem. Tell me whenever you decide, and I'll help you figure something out. I'll wait for the day you tell me."
“…Okay.” Ruan Yesheng replied with tears in her eyes, “It’s a deal.”
Xi Mo hesitated for a moment, then reached out and gently wiped away the tears from the corners of her eyes.
Ruan Yesheng grabbed her hand, her smile tinged with tears, and asked, "Why did you ride a bike here today? You still haven't told me. I've confessed to you, so you have to confess to me too, right?"
Xi Mo felt her hand being held by Ruan Yesheng. She could not move forward, and she could not pull back. She could only brace herself and say, “There was a car accident on the way. Traffic was blocked for a long time. I saw that it wouldn't clear in a short while, so I decided to get off the car.”
“Car accident?” Ruan Yesheng asked worriedly. “You didn’t run into any trouble, right?”
“No.” Xi Mo shook her head to comfort her. “It happened ahead of us. I didn’t even see it. I don’t know what happened.”
As she spoke, Xi Mo told her the whole situation in detail. When Ruan Yesheng heard the latter part, she pictured Xi Mo stepping on a bicycle and rushing forward against the storm. She really could not hold it in and burst out laughing.
Her smile was bright like spring sunlight, but the tear at the corner of her eye was about to fall, trembling again and again.
“You’re so funny.” Ruan Yesheng said with a light scolding. “But you could have called me and said you’d arrive later. I could have waited for you. Then you wouldn’t have needed to get soaked in the rain for so long.”
“No.” Xi Mo refused firmly.
Ruan Yesheng was a little curious, half-scolding and half-smiling. “Why not? Would I blame you for breaking your word because of this kind of sudden accident?”
“I don’t want you to be disappointed.”
These words, though spoken softly and gently, sounded louder than the thunder outside, pounding on Ruan Yesheng's heart.
Xi Mo said in a low voice, "You once said that your mother is very busy. You made plans with her many times, but in the end you always received an apologetic call from her saying that she was delayed by work. In the past, every time you invited me, I always felt that you were a little insecure, as if you were often stood up, so I always went to meet you."
Ruan Yesheng gripped Xi Mo's fingers, tightening her grip slightly: "You remember everything."
“I have a good memory.” Xi Mo kept a straight face and did not directly admit that she remembered. “I understand that many times your mother or even others cannot keep their appointments because they have unavoidable reasons, and they will call to tell you that they are postponing or unable to come to your side. Those are all understandable, not excuses, but unavoidable reasons.”
Ruan Yesheng listened silently, her fingers trembling slightly.
Xi Mo’s voice mixed with the sound of rain. Every sentence was steady reassurance. “If I also called you this time and told you I would be late and could not arrive on time, that would also become a reason. But you have heard those reasons many times before. They made you sad again and again. Even if you knew you should accept it, should understand it, and that it could not be changed, that disappointment would still be real.”
Ruan Yesheng’s breathing grew heavier. Her lips trembled slightly. For a moment, she did not know whether she should smile or cry.
“But this time, it wasn’t that I had no choice. I still had many ways to solve it.” Xi Mo was still explaining patiently. “For example, I could ride a bicycle to see you. That’s something I can do. If there was no bicycle, I could also run over. I calculated the time. It was still within a controllable range. So there was no need for me to call you.”
The Xi Mo in front of her seemed covered in a layer of light. Ruan Yesheng’s gaze was burning, following this bright light in the dark night.
“Since I can do it.” Xi Mo looked into Ruan Yesheng’s eyes. “Then I don’t want you to hear another reason for breaking a promise. After all, you’ve already… heard too many.”
Raindrops hit the window. The window sounded so urgent.
Ruan Yesheng’s heart was like it had fallen into the rain, rising and falling under the hits of the raindrops.
Her mind seemed to go blank, and there was a buzzing sound in her ears.
—I don’t want you to be disappointed.
—I don’t want you to hear another reason for breaking a promise.
As long as she could do it, even if she had to cross mountains and seas, she would also go to the appointment for her.
Mist of rain clouded Ruan Yesheng’s eyes. One hand still held onto Xi Mo, while the other rose to touch Xi Mo’s face. Xi Mo suddenly shuddered all over, then, caught in that moment of shock, looked at Ruan Yesheng with wide eyes.
Thunder roared, and the rain was noisy.
Ruan Yesheng cupped Xi Mo’s face in one hand. Tilting her head slightly, she leaned in and pressed her lips to Xi Mo’s.
Her mouth was silent, yet the voice in her heart was fiercer than the thunder and rain, striking against that fragile string trembling in her mind.
I like you.
Very much so.
Author’s Note:
Ahhhhh confession!!!!!! Ruanruan is strong. No words, just a direct confession kiss. Look, kissed her silly.
Recommended song for this chapter: Light Chaser
Listened to it while writing.
