Chapter 172: Missed
This translation was originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
Xi Mo was stubborn. Her eyes kept wandering as she said, “The box might not be broken, but maybe when it was moved, the tape on top wasn’t sealed well. If it wasn’t handled steadily, it could’ve fallen out from the opening on top. Logically speaking, that’s possible.”
That possibility was very small, very small.
She just... couldn’t accept it.
It was more like an indescribable regret.
She didn’t know how to ease it and felt she should do something to make up for it.
Ruan Yesheng was moved by her persistence, so she let Xi Mo keep looking. If Xi Mo didn’t search, she might not feel at peace.
Ruan Yesheng walked to the box that held her gifts and letters, looked closely, and seemed to comfort Xi Mo, saying, “What you said makes sense. There are two or three layers of tape on this box. Maybe the first one wasn’t sealed properly, and someone added more later. If there’s a chance it wasn’t sealed well, it could’ve left a gap.”
There were many boxes in the room, and things were messy when they were unpacked. It was normal if some boxes weren’t sealed properly at first and were taped again later after putting in boards for support. Back then, the manor was busy. Sometimes boxes were brought in without being taped at all, and people checking inside later would seal them.
The envelope was narrow and small, easier to slip out through a gap like that than anything else.
Xi Mo held on to that tiny possibility and searched carefully.
Ruan Yesheng understood her, so she helped her check the room too.
They moved between boxes, checking everything, not even leaving the gaps between boxes unlooked at. Xi Mo even bent down and lay on the floor to check under the boards, looking quite messy. This was something the old Xi Mo would never have done.
“Did you ask Zhou Wenxu to pass them all for you back then?” Xi Mo asked as she shone her phone light under the board. Her tone sounded like she was holding back some displeasure.
She wasn’t angry at Zhou Wenxu.
She was angry at herself.
If only she had cared more when Zhou Wenxu gave them to her back then, she wouldn’t have mixed those gifts and letters with other fans’ ones.
She just didn’t know how to treasure them before. Her heart wasn’t in it at all.
“The rest were all given to Mister Two,” Ruan Yesheng said as she also looked under another board. She had just counted the letters and knew which one was missing, her face a little complicated. “But the missing one wasn’t. I asked Uncle Ding to hand it to you.”
“Uncle Ding?” Xi Mo paused her movement for a moment.
Ruan Yesheng’s face dimmed a little. “That letter, I actually wanted to give it to you myself. I even went to the outside of the Xi family manor, but I didn’t dare go in. I just walked around outside. Uncle Ding came over and asked why I wasn’t going in, if I was there to see you. He was going to take me inside, but I… I still didn’t go in. I gave that letter to Uncle Ding and asked him to pass it to you.”
In the end, she was still that timid girl back then, unable to take that one step forward.
She even asked Ding Ru not to tell Xi Mo it was from her. Just like before, when she asked Zhou Wenxu to deliver her letters, she didn’t let him mention her name either.
There was only her mark on the envelope, no signature.
“…When was that?” Xi Mo tried to recall but had no clear memory. She quickly asked, “Sometimes Uncle Ding would bring me some letters or gifts, from acquaintances who asked him to pass them on. When was the time you sent yours?”
Ruan Yesheng could never forget that day, so she told Xi Mo the exact time and added, “That was the last letter I wrote to you.”
Xi Mo froze.
She didn’t know what had happened that day, but since then, she had never seen Ruan Yesheng privately again. Ruan Yesheng stopped contacting her, stopped looking for her, and stopped attending any events. She didn’t take on new roles either.
Ruan Yesheng faded out of the industry. With no resources, she would naturally lose her fame. Meanwhile, Xi Mo kept getting more popular, and they drifted farther apart, until they became people from two different worlds.
“I think I remember Uncle Ding giving me a letter that day, telling me to take a good look at it.” The more Xi Mo recalled, the weaker she felt, because she realized she barely remembered anything about that letter. That alone showed how indifferent she had been back then.
The more Xi Mo realized it, the stronger her regret became, like waves surging and drowning her completely.
“He didn’t say who the letter was from.” Xi Mo lowered her head. “I just took it and put it on the coffee table.”
“So you did receive that letter?” Ruan Yesheng looked at her and felt a deep sigh rising in her heart.
Xi Mo had received it, yet still didn’t read it.
“If it was that day you said, then yes, I did receive it.” Xi Mo’s voice was quiet. “I was really busy then, and I thought I would read it later. I didn’t know it was from you. I only glanced at it, and there was no name on it.”
“There was my mark on the back of the envelope, the one we designed together.” Ruan Yesheng gave a bitter smile.
She wasn’t blaming Xi Mo.
She was blaming herself for being so foolish back then.
If she had written her name on every letter, on every gift, and told Zhou Wenxu and Ding Ru clearly when they delivered them that they were from her, would Xi Mo have missed them?
But she didn’t.
Her letters were always hidden, filled with her gentle thoughts, hoping Xi Mo could discover her secret on her own.
She had expectations for Xi Mo that went beyond what was allowed.
If Xi Mo had seen that mark, she might have known it was from her, since it was something they had designed together.
That was what Ruan Yesheng had thought back then.
She carried that wishful hope in her heart, without thinking about the cold truth.
When you like someone, you hope she’ll notice the secret you’ve prepared with care.
But that person… didn’t like her back.
Would hoping she would notice make her notice? Impossible.
It was nothing but a foolish dream of youth.
“I… I didn’t really look carefully.” Xi Mo was so nervous she almost stammered, but she still admitted honestly, “Uncle Ding had many friends who were fans. They often asked him to deliver gifts and letters to me. I… got too many, so I didn’t pay much attention.”
“I… didn’t look at the back.” Xi Mo lowered her head even more. “Yesheng… I’m sorry.”
If she could go back to that day, she’d beat her younger self first.
“It’s my fault.” Seeing Xi Mo apologize, Ruan Yesheng’s heart ached, and she spoke softly, “I didn’t write my name, and I even told Mister Two and Uncle Ding not to say it was from me. I wanted you to find out by yourself.”
Xi Mo’s regret grew heavier. She could hardly speak.
She… never found out.
“If I had written my name and told them to say it was from me, would you have opened it right away?” Ruan Yesheng asked.
After a long silence, Xi Mo nodded. “...Yes.”
“That’s enough.” Ruan Yesheng’s eyes shimmered faintly, and she smiled a little. “Don’t blame yourself.”
She was already content.
“I…” The guilt in Xi Mo’s eyes only deepened.
“You said you put my letter on the tea table and forgot about it, right?” Ruan Yesheng could already picture the scene and asked, “Do you know where it ended up?”
“No.” Xi Mo quickly said, “I didn’t forget. When I finished my work, I was going to read it. Uncle Ding told me I must read it, and I didn’t want to ignore him. But when I went to get it from the tea table, the letter was already gone.”
“Gone?” Ruan Yesheng was surprised.
“Yes, I looked for a long time. I even asked Auntie Zhou if she cleaned it up, but she said no.” Xi Mo’s memory came back bit by bit, slowly becoming clear.
This translation was originally posted on https://love4baihe.blogspot.com please read it there. and check out other stories too.
“Could Uncle Xi have picked it up?” Ruan Yesheng asked, then quickly shook her head. “No, he wouldn’t do that. He’s not the kind of person who touches your things.”
“My dad wasn’t even home that day.” Xi Mo frowned. “Uncle Ding didn’t come to see him either. He came to take his dog home. When he’s busy, sometimes the dog stays at my house.”
“So the letter just disappeared into thin air?” Ruan Yesheng was full of curiosity after hearing all that.
“Mm… anyway, I couldn’t find it.” Xi Mo was so embarrassed but didn’t want to hide it. She told her everything honestly. “I didn’t dare ask Uncle Ding. Later he asked if I’d read it, and I… I said I did. I didn’t dare tell him I’d lost it. I was afraid he’d get mad, since he told me many times to read it carefully.”
Ruan Yesheng couldn’t help but find it funny when she heard that.
In public, Xi Mo was always proud and composed, but at home, she was very obedient and a bit afraid of her elders. She used to be scared of her dad. When she lost the letter, she also feared Uncle Ding would scold her. Even Auntie Lan could shut her up with a few words.
When Xi Mo noticed the smile at Ruan Yesheng’s lips, she said, “…You’re laughing at me?”
“I just didn’t expect you’d be like a little girl sometimes.” Ruan Yesheng tasted the word softly. “Cute.”
Xi Mo: “…”
Ruan Yesheng felt a little lighter. It wasn’t Xi Mo’s fault at all. She was the one who clung to an unrealistic dream, refusing to write her name or let anyone say it was from her, hoping Xi Mo would notice her mark, only to cause such a long, twisted misunderstanding.
“Forget it, stop looking.” Ruan Yesheng smiled. “Guess we just didn’t have the fate for it. Otherwise, how could a simple gift and a letter become so complicated?”
Hearing that, Xi Mo’s face darkened. She wasn’t pleased.
She insisted on finding it.
Xi Mo said nothing and kept searching around.
“I’ll just tell you what was in the letter.” Ruan Yesheng, afraid she’d dwell on it, offered, “But it’s been so long, I can’t remember it word for word. I mainly wanted to say goodbye, ask you to have a meal with me, and see if you had time to meet.”
“Goodbye?” Xi Mo bent over, one hand pressing the corner of a board, and turned to look at her.
“I’d decided to leave the entertainment industry then.” Ruan Yesheng crouched beside her. “You were still working in it, and if I quit, we wouldn’t have many chances to meet again. I wanted to tell you that and say goodbye.”
“Did you write the time and place for the meal in the letter?” Xi Mo asked.
She had a feeling that with Ruan Yesheng’s personality, since she hadn’t said it face-to-face, she must have written the dinner location inside just like how she once hid the aquarium ticket in the gift box.
“I wrote it,” Ruan Yesheng said. “I wanted to cook you a meal at my house.”
“You... cooked?” Xi Mo’s heart trembled.
“I did.” Ruan Yesheng’s smile didn’t fade. “I cooked and waited at home for you to come. I wasn’t sure if you would, but I hoped you would. When the food turned cold and you still didn’t come, I wasn’t really surprised.”
Xi Mo frowned and stayed silent.
Ruan Yesheng hugged her knees and leaned against a box behind her, looking relaxed as she gazed at Xi Mo. “When I wrote you letters and sent gifts without a name, only a mark, it was just a wish. I never believed you would notice. If you did, I’d be happy. If you didn’t or didn’t respond, I could accept that. I waited for you at the aquarium, I cooked at home waiting for you, and you didn’t come. But you don’t need to feel guilty, it was just my wish.”
Xi Mo tried to figure out what Ruan Yesheng meant by those words.
“A wish, hoping it might come true. If it did, that would be great. I waited with that kind of feeling,” Ruan Yesheng said softly, as if she had let go, opening her heart to Xi Mo. “But I also knew you might not come. It wasn’t our promise. You didn’t need to, and you had no duty to show up.”
“I just hoped, that’s all.” Ruan Yesheng finished, then looked at Xi Mo. “It was my own matter. Don’t blame yourself.”
“Who said it’s your matter?” Xi Mo glared at her.
“If it’s not mine, then is it yours?” Ruan Yesheng almost laughed.
Xi Mo: “...”
She felt it was a matter between her and Ruan Yesheng.
But for some reason, when the words reached her lips, she couldn’t say them out loud.
“Xi Mo, Xi Mo.” Xi Mo was holding her breath when Ruan Yesheng suddenly tugged her arm. “Under the mat board, looks like there’s something?”
Xi Mo followed her gaze, bent down, and used her phone’s light to look underneath.
There, right below the board beside them, lay an envelope. Xi Mo quickly reached out and pulled it out. The envelope was all wrinkled and covered in a thick layer of dust.
It wasn’t Ruan Yesheng’s envelope.
It looked very old, the paper so fragile it might tear apart with a light touch.
“Is it your mom’s stuff?” Ruan Yesheng asked, staring at the envelope. “Maybe it fell down while moving things and got kicked under the mat by accident?”
Everything here belonged to Jian Yuan. Other than that, Ruan Yesheng couldn’t think of any reason.
The envelope was blank, with no address or sender. Xi Mo could feel something inside. She opened the flap and pulled out a piece of letter paper.
There were only a few lines written on it, the handwriting neat and graceful.
“I have a bad feeling about this. It feels like someone is watching me. I will go to Changsha next month. Let’s meet at our old place. I will bring that item with me. It’s getting stranger and stranger. Please take a look for me.”
There was no signature, but Xi Mo knew it was her mother’s handwriting.
Jian Yuan left when she was very young, but Jian Yuan passed away when Xi Mo was very young, but many of her writings were kept at home, including documents and letters that Xi Mo had seen before.
“My mom wrote it.” Xi Mo looked at Ruan Yesheng and said.
“There’s no address or recipient. So did your mom discard this one, rewrite it and send the new one, or did she change her mind after writing and never send it?” Ruan Yesheng asked.
“…I don’t know.” Xi Mo hesitated. “Who was she planning to send it to? From the tone, it should be someone she trusted a lot.”
“Did she have any close friends in Changsha back then?” Ruan Yesheng thought aloud.
“I don’t know, I’ll have to ask my dad.” Xi Mo said. “But my mom did antique business, she often dealt with people from Changsha who traded antiques. I just don’t know who this letter was written to.”
Author's Note:
Those gifts and letters from before were missed for many reasons. Back then, both of them were not mature. But it was fine, because nothing was truly lost. Seeing them now is much better than seeing them back then.
Time was such an interesting thing. If they had not swapped bodies, they would never have the bond they had now. So fate was also such an interesting thing.
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