3. The Savior

"Ha..." 

Sang-woo grumbled in frustration when the lighter didn't ignite. Even when nothing goes right, does it have to be like this? Just as he was about to take the cigarette out of his mouth, someone lit it for him with a Zippo lighter.

"Ah, thanks..."

"It might be good to quit, Oppa."

"Thanks."

Jae-hee closed the Zippo lighter with a snap and put it in her pocket. Sang-woo exhaled smoke while keeping an eye on Jae-hee.

"Have you quit?"

"I quit because of someone nagging."

"Yoo-jin, no, sister-in-law?"

"Yeah, so what?"

There was a time when Jae-hee used to smoke cigarettes side by side with Sang-woo while working on their doctoral thesis. However, she quit smoking shortly after accepting Yoo-jin's proposal. Thanks to Yoo-jin, who didn't like smoking, she gradually reduced her smoking habit. But now, as Sang-woo looked at Jae-hee forcing a bitter smile, he felt a heavy sense of guilt.

"Don't worry about it and smoke if you want. It's been a while since I quit smoking, so it's okay."

"Back then...I'm sorry.."

"Well... It's okay."

A tense atmosphere hung between the two. Sang-woo hesitated for a moment before adding an explanation. He knew it would sound like an excuse, but he wanted to be honest. As an older brother who cared for his younger sibling, Sang-woo believed it was the right thing to do.

"...After I came to Korea, it was my first research under Professor Han, so I had higher expectations. I thought maybe I would get selected. But since it didn't work out, I took out my frustration on you. I'm sorry."

"I know how much you respect Professor Han. And... I know how difficult it was for you to come this far. I also have my advantages being in a prestigious family."

"..."

"But, Sunbae*, I didn't even know about my relationship with Yoo-jin. It wasn't a planned marriage or anything... Do you know how we started dating? As much as I didn't know when we were together 24/7, Yoo-jin didn't receive any support from her family when she was in the United States."

*선배 term used to refer to someone more senior or experienced in a particular field or organization. It is often used in academic or professional settings to address or refer to seniors or upperclassmen.

"...I know."

With a sense of embarrassment, Sang-woo lowered his head. Jae-hee continued speaking without much concern.

"...This time, Professor Jeong was working on a national research project... Although it's not collaborative research, it seems like Professor Han is somewhat involved. Since it overlaps with your major, you should talk to Professor Jeong. Considering the relevance to your major, Professor Jeong will probably contact you first, though."

Sang-woo looked at Jae-hee as he took the cigarette in his hand. Her manner, not expressing anger and even providing advice without making him feel worse, seemed much more mature than himself.

"Aren't you angry?"

"...I would be lying if I said I'm not angry."

Upon hearing those words, Sang-woo sighed with embarrassment and extinguished the cigarette he had been holding in the cigarette case.

"But, because you're not a bad person... the negative feelings quickly fade away."

“What?”

"Huh?"

Due to a temporary removal of ashtrays during campus construction, cigarette butts were often discarded on the smoking area floor. It wasn't a big deal to throw them on the ground, but seeing Sang-woo extinguishing the cigarette, dirtying his cigarette case, and picking up the cigarette butt, Jae-hee couldn't help but smile. Although he had a misplaced sense of pride, Sang-woo wasn't someone whose humanity had been corrupted. He had a strong sense of pride, but it was based on valid grounds, like a dragon emerging from a small pond. Jae-hee playfully teased Sang-woo.

"If you feel guilty, then buy me drinks next time."

"Okay."

Sang-woo, who had carefully chosen his words to avoid getting hurt, awkwardly smiled at Jae-hee, who playfully teased him first. Looking at Sang-woo, Jae-hee thought she should still playfully tease him a bit, and she said, intending to empty his pockets.

"Except soju and pork belly."

"You little rascal."

“You know what I like, right?”

Sang-woo chuckled, thinking of Jae-hee's favorite premium line of Johnny Walker.

"Well, this guy sure has some tricks up his sleeve. Okay."

"Yay!"

Sang-woo burst into laughter at Jae-hee's reaction, and Jae-hee also laughed, seeing Sang-woo like that.

* * *

"...did you really attend my class?"

Jae-hee, who had been staying up for several nights, grading papers, looked at a student's answer sheet and dropped the red pen he was holding as if throwing it. Although there were relatively many excellent responses, as expected from students of the top prestigious university in the country, the shabby answer sheets of the talented students who had neglected their studies frustrated Jae-hee.

As Jae-hee, unable to go home and wearing a training outfit in the lab, dedicated herself to grading and research, she sincerely struggled with whether to give a score of zero every time she saw an unenthusiastic answer sheet. Even if these students tried to make up for it with the final exam, it would be difficult for them to avoid a D. However, Jae-hee, who didn't want to see students who submitted such careless answer sheets taking the course again, engraved the mantra of "endurance" in her mind about five hundred times and showed mercy by giving the minimum score. She leaned back on the DuoBack chair.

The chair purchased from the school wasn't in great condition, making creaking sounds. Jae-hee, pressing her temples, picked up her phone at the sound of a message notification.

[Wife: When will you come home?]

It had been about a week, so it was understandable to feel frustrated. Jae-hee had showered in the school's shower room, but she still felt uneasy. Perhaps it was because she had been eating the same cafeteria food all week, but her health wasn't in great condition either. Since the onset of feeling unwell a couple of days ago, Jae-hee resolved to go home. She began composing a reply, determined to go home.

[Me: I'm going home today_ ]

[Wife: I told you not to get caught.]

What are you talking about? Jae-hee stopped typing as the messages came in one after another.

[Wife: Isn't it severe not to come for a whole week?]

[Wife: Please consider the public's attention.]

[Wife: No matter who you're with or what you're doing, come home.]

It's Yoo-jin and her nonsense again. Jae-hee deleted the reply and chuckled sarcastically. Yoo-jin, who had been slightly possessive even during their dating days, was always like this. However, for Jae-hee, who prioritized the happiness of her partner in her life, maintained a reserved relationship with both other women and men, so as not to make her uneasy. But even though the love turned out to be a lie, Jae-hee felt a strange feeling as she thought of Yoo-jin, who was obsessed with her.

'Funny. Who told me to find a lover?'

Without replying, Jae-hee threw her phone onto the desk and clenched the red pen she had thrown earlier. Instead of resuming the grading, Jae-hee felt something strange and got lost in her thoughts.

'... that's strange.'

Jae-hee pondered deeply about Yoo-jin. Immediately after their marriage, the atmosphere between them was as fragile as walking on thin ice. However, Jae-hee noticed a significant change in Yoo-jin's attitude after visiting her in-law. Since the day Yoo-jin first chose an outfit for her, she had been coordinating their clothes without fail, each day with a different feel. Even in Jae-hee's eyes, who was a fashion novice, Yoo-jin selected outfits that looked 'hip' and trendy. With Yoo-jin's heartfelt styling, Jae-hee transformed from being one of 'Four Great Goddesses' to an 'S University Goddess' although she herself was completely unaware of her newfound popularity.

Regardless, one couldn't help but feel grateful to Yoo-jin, who took the time to dress her up and enhance her appearance, even when she used to only wear suits. Even now, wearing training clothes, it couldn't be denied that the items she had worn before changing into this outfit were also chosen by Yoo-jin.

Jae-hee thought that even though they were a show window couple who valued their external appearance, she found Yoo-jin's excessive kindness to be bothersome. While her casual fashion may have been a mess - a fact that Jae-hee didn't want to admit - her work attire was not bad. Despite not being fancy or trendy, since it is a suit, it didn't pose any problems. It felt strange that she paid attention to unnecessary details, going so far as to care about minor aspects of clothing.

Moreover... Yoo-jin kept apologizing to the person who had made her life miserable. Considering she shamelessly orchestrated a contractual marriage, her response wasn't as audacious as expected. Jae-hee tilted the mug containing buckwheat tea and pursed her dry lips. Even when recalling the days of pouring rain...

'…sorry.'

"...I'm sorry for using you."

"I can't be without you."

Why does she keep apologizing? If she didn't love me, there would be no need for apologies. Did she perhaps develop some affection over the five years? Or is it just a sense of human remorse?"

Above all, it was strange how naturally Yoo-jin nestled into my arms and accepted my touch as if it were familiar. Can someone accept the touch of a person they don't love so easily? Of course, Jae-hee was undoubtedly someone Yoo-jin needed. Whether it was a short five years or a long time, Jae-hee had been able to soothe Yoo-jin's anxieties and play the role of a tranquilizer, restoring Yoo-jin's life to its normal track. However, even so... can we share a bed together?

They are now a sexless couple, but they were once two people who had a physical relationship every day. If it had been a meaningless act of pursuing pleasure, Jae-hee, who experienced it together, would have been the first to suspect Yoo-jin. However, there was never such a moment. Moreover, to say that everything was a lie... sincere moments were evident in her eyes.

While it could be seen as an overreaction, there were enough suspicious circumstances to consider. Jae-hee stood up from her seat with a slightly flushed face. She had a low fever, but Jae-hee wandered around the narrow laboratory lost in thought, unaware. The problem was that she hadn't thought deeply enough due to the wounds Yoo-jin had inflicted. She should have had these suspicions a little earlier.

Jae-hee gathered her outstretched hands and neatly placed them in front of her face, lightly tapping her forehead. It was a habit that unconsciously emerged when she was lost in thought from time to time. Jae-hee briefly recalled her expertise in the field. When she had become too absorbed in focusing on one thing and missed her surroundings, Gestalt theory was appropriate. On the other hand, she needed a personal psychodrama (an activity that involved acting out a conflict situation to explore and address the psychological dimensions of the problem).

Although many requirements for psychodrama were lacking, Jae-hee didn't hesitate and brought over an old iron chair from the corner of her laboratory. Since she wasn't specialized in Gestalt theory and only had undergraduate-level knowledge, this was sufficient for her purposes. And right across from it, she pulled in her own DuoBac chair, conjuring up the moments she had spent with Yoo-jin in her imagination. Sitting on the worn iron chair, she contemplated the questions she wanted to ask Yoo-jin, the questions she couldn't ask directly.

Yoo-jin in Jae-hee's imagination sat on her DuoBac chair. Jae-hee chuckled at the thought that even though it was a Yoo-jin from her imagination, she didn't want to make her sit on the worn-out chair. Then, omitting numerous requirements and starting a makeshift psychodrama, she began.

"Yoo-jin."

'Mm, Jae-hee?'

As the familiar face that was no longer present came to mind, Jae-hee felt her heart flutter once again. Suppressing her excited emotions, Jae-hee clasped her hands together and gazed at Yoo-jin slowly.

"...Am I someone you need?"

'Mm... You're someone I desperately need.'

"...why? Why do you need me?"

'...if you're not there, I just feel... unsettled. When I'm on the verge of exploding with anger or unbearable emotions, I feel anxious if I can't see you. I want to know where you are, what you're doing, every little detail.'

Jae-hee stood up and locked eyes with the imaginary Yoo-jin. Then, she asked once again.

"Why do you need me?"

'I feel the most comfortable when I'm with you. Sometimes, talking to other people can be frustrating, but when I'm with you, those moments are almost non-existent. When I have to meet people outside, even if I'm at my wit's end, I have to hold it all in. But when I'm with you, I can be completely myself, and I love that.'

"Yoo-jin, why do you need me?"

"...When you're not around, I can't even sleep properly. I can't even imagine how... how I used to live before. If I don't have your goodnight greeting, I can't fall asleep. I've quit taking medication, and now I can't quit you, Seon Jae-hee."

“Ha Yoo-jin.”

Jaehee licked her lips and asked again.

"Instead of explaining, just tell me the reason, why do you... need me?"

'...do you need a reason?'

"Mm, I want to know right now."

'...I don't want to say.'

Jae-hee adjusted her posture and locked eyes with the imaginary Yoo-jin. The old iron chair creaked. Observing her, avoiding eye contact unlike before, Jae-hee calmly posed a new question.

"You said I can have a lover, so why are you jealous?"

'...I'm not sure.'

"If you don't love me, then there's no need to be jealous, right? I am someone you need, but... I'm not someone you love. Isn't that true?"

'Yeah, that's right... I can't even bear the thought of you being with someone else.'

"...If we define it as possessiveness, would that be appropriate?"

'...yeah.'

"I am a necessary presence in your life, right? But despite that, you keep hurting me... In reality, if someone is truly necessary and important, then it shouldn't be like this. I find myself getting hurt by you and being drawn towards you. Isn't that strange? According to your words, I should be the one with the upper hand in this relationship. Why do I feel like I'm being pulled towards you?"

'Because you... love me.'

"Yeah, it's because I love you. No matter how hurtful your words may be, no matter the scars that can't be erased, I still want to be by your side. Dominance in our relationship? It's not important to me. It's not a problem worth arguing about. Even if I may look like a fool in your eyes... What's important is that I am with you, and I haven't really thought about anything else."

'You're like a fool.'

"Sometimes... it hurts so much to be by your side. Despite that, I can't leave your side."

'...you shouldn't have loved me, Seon Jae-hee.'

Upon witnessing Yoo-jin's ability to casually say cruel words, Jae-hee silently chuckled. Embracing Yoo-jin's characteristic response, Jae-hee didn't object and returned the remark.

"You shouldn't have made me fall in love with you, Yoo-jin."

'...'

As Jae-hee observed Yoo-jin, who remained silent even in her imagination, she couldn't help but chuckle with a refreshing feeling. Sporting an elegant smile that was far from self-pity, she ran a hand through her hair.

"My love has no reason. Yoo-jin, you know what that means, don't you?"

'...'

"Using and deceiving me. Isn't this distorted relationship similar to a typical marriage?"

"No, it's not."

"Who do you think is responsible for this twisted relationship?"

'...you.'

"Why do you think it's me?"

'...If you hadn't loved me so much, I wouldn't have married you.'

"Ah, that's how it was. You knew that no matter what you did, I would never leave you, so you chose me and married me. So, do you think that even the unhappiness caused by this marriage is my fault?"

'...yes. If you hadn't loved me, you wouldn't have had any unhappiness either.'

It was a typical projection. She felt a lump in her throat. This reaction had started after returning home, to be precise, after 'that day' when they had the wedding photoshoot. The projection didn't occur suddenly. It was likely that Yoo-jin had been employing this defense mechanism of projection for a long time. She could speculate how long Yoo-jin had diligently concealed her true self from her.

Hiding her true self and behaving like an "ordinary person" was not an easy task. The feeling of disappointment overwhelmed her more than betrayal. It was because Yoo-jin had never revealed her true self to anyone, saying that she had never been completely honest with anyone. With so much to conceal, it must have been difficult for her to even rely on others. She recalled Yoo-jin's life, where she couldn't show any signs of weakness to others. Frustration made her repeatedly clutch at her throat.

Yoo-jin had said that she needed her. Although not everything, she had shown her emotions and revealed a part of her heart. And because of that, she could lean on her. She could rely on her. To survive without crumbling under the psychological burden, Yoo-jin had kept her by her side.

"What do you think when you see me unhappy?"

'I think I'm sorry.'

"Sorry?"

'I feel pity... and empathy.'

"And?"

'...My heart hurts. That's why even looking at it is painful. Why do you go to such lengths for me? Why do you hurt so much for me? That's what I think.'

"Yoo-jin, how do you feel when you see me being hurt?"

'I'm not someone who can be ignored, yet I hate you for losing and submitting with just the reason of loving me. It feels like you could be a little more confident... Sometimes, when I see you shrug off the words that should naturally hurt, there are moments when my heart feels like it's crumbling and hurting.'

Staring at the Yoo-jin in her imagination, who had become more honest than when they first started, Jae-hee asked her final question.

"Yoo-jin."

"Yeah, Jae-hee."

"Do you... love me?"

Like a lie, as soon as those words were uttered, the imaginary Yoo-jin disappeared. Jae-hee stared at the empty DuoBack chair in front of her. The "empty chair technique" begins with the assumption that a person involved in a conflict is sitting in an empty chair. The dialogue continues by inferring or assuming their responses. But if one cannot even assume their response from the start...

'If I can't even assume that person's response, I can't continue.'

Unable to make any assumptions about the final question, the imaginary Yoo-jin vanished. Jae-hee organized her thoughts about her experiences with Yoo-jin. Yoo-jin hadn't received any psychiatric treatment or counseling since studying abroad. She hadn't undergone professional therapy. Jae-hee recalled Yoo-jin's suppressed and troubled school years.

"Everyone has their own defense mechanisms. Properly functioning defense mechanisms act as buffers against stress and alleviate psychological burdens caused by stress. However, when they become excessive, they can become problematic." Jae-hee slowly contemplated several psychological issues she observed in Yoo-jin.

"...Dependence, self-reproach...anxiety disorder...compulsive projection. And...identification."

She recalled Cheon-woo's cold gaze and aggressive tone. It was one of the prominent characteristics that allowed the towering politician, Cheon-woo, to reach his current position. Yoo-jin, who despised that trait, had unconsciously become similar to him.

Jae-hee leaned back against the old iron chair. The rusty chair creaked. She let out a long sigh, deciding to momentarily set aside her own wounds. What mattered now was not herself but Ha Yoo-jin. It felt like a defeat, but Jae-hee willingly acknowledged it. She acknowledged that she still loved Yoo-jin.

Though she claimed to make Yoo-jin unhappy with her words, it was not the truth. She had to utter such words to protect her fragile pride, all because she didn't want to leave Yoo-jin's side. Life without Yoo-jin was like death to Jae-hee. Even in unhappiness, being by Yoo-jin's side was preferable.

Jae-hee, who had been receiving and expressing Yoo-jin's raw emotions, thought of a slightly different approach. She decided to wear an ill-fitting mask. If she could change Yoo-jin's heart, she was willing to embrace the role of a villain. She envisioned a persona that was completely incompatible with her true self.

Jae-hee knew she had to draw out the forgotten inner side of Yoo-jin as well. She decided to momentarily set aside her meager self-esteem and her identity as Seon Jae-hee. She began preparing herself with a resolute and mysterious face, like Columbus venturing into the unknown. She would embody a captivating and wicked persona, one that would stimulate and intrigue Yoo-jin to the fullest.