* * *
'Who did our Jae-hee take after to be so smart?'
'Jae-hee, it's because she takes after Dad, right? Right?'
'This person. Naturally, Jae-hee takes after me, don't you? My dear?'
The elementary school Jae-hee attended was a renowned private school located in an affluent neighborhood in the United States. It was famously known as the 'Upper East Side' of town. It was also a place with a long-standing reputation, where only those from the so-called WASP (White Anglo-Saxon Protestant, considered to be the most influential class in American society) background could attend.
In that place, Jae-hee was a very, very rare "Asian-American," and due to the pervasive racial discrimination, her young parents were hesitant to send her there, fearing she might be hurt. However, even Jae-hee's parents succumbed to the 'inevitability' that was hard to resist. Jae-hee attended elementary school there, and in just one year, she transformed from a "peculiar little Asian" to a "precious member of our community." Amid the exclusive atmosphere of the school, her parents couldn't comprehend how young Jae-hee managed to fit in, nor could they understand, but they did know one thing: Jae-hee, the young child, persevered with determination. The incident that stood out was her victory in the school speech competition.
Winning first place in the school speech competition wasn't a simple feat. It was akin to a "revolution" of sorts. It was unfathomable that a young Asian child triumphed in the speech competition, rather than a prominent American political figure or lawyer. While some parents didn't overtly voice their protests, it was clear that some were dissatisfied. As a result, many of them attended the "award ceremony." The fact that these individuals, who played a role in running the vast nation, made time to attend an elementary school speech competition award ceremony was noteworthy.
At the awards ceremony, the outstanding "first-place" winner among the recipients was scheduled to deliver another speech. This was an opportunity for them to witness it firsthand and make their judgments. If even slightly deviant from their criteria, they were ready to pressure the school using subtle methods. That was their approach—unwilling to accept that a "lesser Asian kid" outperformed the WASP children. It was vexing for them to see that little one breach their fortress-like defenses, so they attended the ceremony to find fault. However, surprisingly, the moment they personally witnessed the speech by that "weird Asian kid," all their discontent seemed to subside.
The most surprised were Jae-hee's parents who saw her in person. Hoon and Yeong-ran were bewildered. Their obedient and diligent daughter had delivered such a flawless speech. While they were proud and touched by how hard their daughter must have worked, they also felt regret. They felt sorry that they couldn't have been more helpful for her to reach this point. Therefore, with a sense of apology, they leaned on Jae-hee even more and threw words of praise at her. In response, Jae-hee shyly gave a mature response that was beyond her years.
'...um, well, I…'
Awaiting Jae-hee's words, as to whom the child took after. The time when she believed she inherited the refined eyes of her father and the high nose of her mother.
'I think I take after Dad's wisdom and Mom's intelligence.'
'…our daughter is an angel! Otherwise, this lovely heart cannot be explained!'
'Our Jae-hee has a kind heart too. Child, so beautiful.'
The child, who firmly believed that the time spent with her family was the happiest, smiled bashfully as she looked up at her parents.
A wise and dependable father, a wonderful and beautiful mother, and me. There was a time when Jae-hee's belief in 'happiness' crumbled. There were times when her strong father's back seemed endlessly weak, and times when she felt trapped and suffocated in her elegant mother's embrace. Such harsh moments existed.
'Tsk.'
The reason was unclear, but young Jae-hee could feel the blatant hostility from her grandmother, even if she couldn't understand it. There was nothing she could do in the face of her grandmother's open animosity. She could only smile like an oblivious child. A dependable father, an elegant mother, and me. The only existence that shattered Jae-hee's formula of a happy family.
'Are the preparations going well for the second child?'
'Mom, we said we'd take care of that problem, right?'
'You stay still.'
'Mother*, Jae-hee is still growing and needs a lot of help. There are many things to take care of, so we're taking the second one a little slow...'
*mother-in-law
'Why care about that girl!'
'Mom!'
'How dare you shout in front of me?'
'Honey, I'm taking Jae-hee out!'
The only moment when her affectionate father showed a cold side and yelled was in front of her grandmother. Dad, who had always spoken softly, abruptly shouted with anger, and Jae-hee's mother, holding young Jae-hee in her arms, covered the child's ears and left the grandmother's house. Frightened, Jae-hee couldn't even dare to cry and trembled with fear.
'Oh, Mom....'
'Jae-hee, shh, shh... it's okay. It's okay…'
Jae-hee suddenly realized that she wasn't the only one shaking. Similarly, Jae-hee's mother, who was soothing her without showing fear. Also, the image of Jae-hee's father who had to stand up against fear to face his mother.
Seeing Jae-hee put effort into everything made her father proud, but Jae-hee's father would often worry. Her unusually mature demeanor for her age was a 'cause for concern' as parents.
'Sometimes you can take it easy. Jae-hee. If you run too much, you will fall.'
'…but.'
'Hmm?'
"...If I'm good at anything, Grandma will probably like it too..."
The words of his daughter, who grew up too early, gave him immense guilt. In his eyes, there was a latent sense of powerlessness for not being able to protect his daughter and wife. Whether she knew it or not, Jae-hee met her father's gaze. With a dry throat, Hoon lowered his body, looked into Jae-hee's eyes, and said.
'…our Jaehee, so you're thinking about that.'
'…'
'Grandma...she's a very, very old person, so her way of thinking is... very stiff.'
He said while tickling his lovely daughter's plump cheeks.
'It's difficult for her to deal with such a soft and gentle person like Jae-hee.'
'…'
'Grandma is like that with Dad too. It's not Jae-hee's fault... it's because of her stern expression. She's been living with that aloofness for a long time, so it's not easy to change it even if she tries. That's why... Even though her words are harsh, Grandma loves our Jae-hee a lot in her heart, so you don't have to try too hard to please her. Understand?'
'…Mm.'
'Our Jae-hee is a person who deserves to be loved just for existing.'
Jae-hee knew that it was her father's bright red lie. She was well aware that her grandmother disliked her.
'What a vulgar thing.'
'Why…Why are you doing that?!'
'A girl with no roots dares to raise her voice?!'
'Please stop! please!'
'This is why I have always said that black-haired beasts shouldn't be harvested...Oh my, oh my!'
Black-haired beast? Jae-hee gave her grandmother a skeptical look and shook her head. What could that mean?
'In our Seon lineage, even a lowly woman has entered. And now, that impudent girl without proper manners dares to confront me?'
'...what does that mean…'
'I knew from the moment you were picked up outside, a woman without a drop of our blood, how could you possibly come into our family...!'
'...what are you saying?'
Beep—A sharp sound pierced her ears. Facing an unreal reality, Jae-hee saw her wicked grandmother striking her chest and contorting in anger. Every action she took seemed to be in slow motion. Her thoughts, thinking she resembled her kind father's eyes and her elegant mother's nose, shattered. Jae-hee, who hadn't a single drop of blood mixed with the ones she loved so much, slowly lowered her head.
Right after graduating from high school, Jae-hee left home. Looking at the empty house with no one there, she imagined her family, who hadn't a single drop of her blood mixed, waiting earnestly for her return. Leaving behind all her emotions in a letter, Jae-hee left home.
Leaving behind everything she loved, Jae-hee had to establish a new definition of family. The definition of family her hateful grandmother had set, based on 'blood relations', was far from the definition she sought. She established a definition of family that could transcend blood ties. She believed that a true family could only be a spouse, even without a single drop of shared blood.
Nestled in Jae-hee's embrace, Yoo-jin stared at her with a gaze filled with hostility. The once eager gaze had disappeared, replaced by a gaze of disgust and hatred that was so intense and fearful. Yoo-jin looked at Jae-hee with that terrifying gaze, overwhelmed by repulsion and loathing.
'I love you?'
'...Yoo-jin.'
'Don't delude yourself. Why would I ever love someone like you?'
'Ha Yoo-jin, don't lie. You love me. While loving me... you're running away!'
'What do you know about me?'
Her heart thumps and sinks. In her impatient heart, she put strength in her hand that wrapped around Yoo-jin but she pushed her away.
'I regret marrying someone with no roots like you.'
"No, please, say it's not true."
With a contemptuous expression, Yoo-jin said to Jae-hee, who was repeating the word "no" like a parrot, as if driving a wedge into her heart.
'Let me go, Seon Jae-hee.'
Watching her walk away from her, Jae-hee exclaimed anxiously. Yoo-jin, no. Don't leave my side please, please.
'No…you can't... don't go…Yoo-jin!'
She woke up with a twitch, her breath ragged. Startled, Jae-hee looked around as she got up abruptly. A dream... that's what it was. She had been breathing heavily in a nightmare that felt unbelievably real. Jae-hee clenched and unclenched her fist, then ran her hand through her hair. There wasn't a spot on her back, neck, or anywhere else that wasn't damp with sweat. As Jae-hee's rough breathing subsided and she calmed down, she searched the room once more. It wasn't her own room; it was the master bedroom. To be precise, it was Yoo-jin's room.
Jae-hee recalled the moment right before she collapsed. Yoo-jin, who hadn't answered her question about love, was the one who appeared. Despite claiming confidently that it was a "loveless marriage," Jae-hee was sure. Yoo-jin's words were a lie. The expression on Yoo-jin's face, one that she couldn't have displayed if she didn't have even a trace of love, was proof of that.
She probably couldn't continue that conversation right away, but with just that conviction, Jae-hee felt like she had extended her life. Jae-hee moistened her dry lips and leaned slightly against the headboard of the bed. The room was filled with Ha Yoo-jin's scent. Even though it was a scent that used to be familiar, as they once naturally slept together, and thus should not have felt new at all, Jae-hee couldn't help but smile. She pulled the covers over herself as if wrapping herself in them.
Thanks to an ill-fitting mask, she could enjoy this luxury too. Jae-hee burst into a clear laugh. While the first feeling that came to her was guilt as she thought of Yoo-jin's shocked face, she felt that this was a more effective strategy than sulking. Sulking didn't suit the composed demeanor of Seon Jae-hee, and that was part of why it was so difficult.
grrrr
Jae-hee looked around, her eyes widening with realization. Thankfully, Yoo-jin wasn't there. She vaguely remembered when she had last eaten. If Soo-jin, who had stayed up for two nights straight due to her thesis, and hadn't guided Jae-hee to a meal with her scholarly persuasion, Jae-hee who looked disheveled like a Joseon-era prisoner before execution, would have gone hungry for the second day in a row.
Holding her hungry stomach, Jae-hee got up. Her appetite had fluctuated greatly, and her head felt dizzy. She tied her hair into a single strand with a headband that was placed on the dressing table, which was presumably Yoo-jin's. Then, she slowly opened the master bedroom door. Yoo-jin was calmly stirring something in a pot with a spoon. Jae-hee couldn't believe her eyes and just stared at Yoo-jin's back.
"...you collapsed. They said it's overwork and the flu. You could just grade at home, so why go through the trouble."
"...who was it that said to separate the workplace from home?"
The subdued voice was locked away. Yoo-jin turned slightly, leaning against the doorway as she looked at Jae-hee, who was looking at her with a drowsy expression. Jae-hee seemed tired, but her face looked better than before. After confirming that, Yoo-jin turned her body again.
"…hang in there. This is almost done."
"…sorry."
Without looking at Jae-hee, who was apologizing for causing worry with a lowered voice and a hint of concern, Yoo-jin stirred the porridge in the pot with a wooden spoon. There was an odd undercurrent, perhaps due to the weighty conversation they had just before Jae-hee's collapse. However, Jae-hee, who had been exhausted to the point of collapsing, and Yoo-jin, who had been preoccupied with taking care of her, were both so caught up that they didn't address the conversation as if it were a promise.
Silently stirring the porridge, Yoo-jin scooped out the porridge she had cooked into a bowl and then separately scooped the thin porridge with abalone and plain white porridge that Soo-jin had prepared. Jae-hee grumbled and took the spoon, sitting down at the dining table. Yoo-jin placed the bowl of porridge on the table. As Jae-hee held the spoon and watched it, she quietly began to speak.
"Why are there two pots?"
There were two pots, one for the porridge Soo-jin had prepared and another for the one Yoo-jin had boiled. However, Yoo-jin didn't respond. Clearly uncomfortable, Yoo-jin hesitated to serve the porridge. Sensing something amiss, Jae-hee compared Yoo-jin's bowl to her own, looking back and forth between them.
"Yours seems to have... something very good in it."
"It's abalone porridge."
"The patient gets white porridge, while you have abalone porridge? Isn’t the gap between the rich and the poor huge?"
“Because you like white porridge.”
Jae-hee fiddled with the plain white porridge. She liked white porridge, which was made from ground rice without any additional ingredients. Even when she was sick in the United States, she sought out white porridge, and Yoo-jin had personally made it for her. She hadn't expected the same here in Korea. Jae-hee added a casual remark, feeling strangely pleased.
"You didn’t have to remember that anymore."
"It's up to me."
Amused by the shameless tone, Jae-hee chuckled and picked up the spoon. She didn't have the energy for more wordplay. Without looking at Yoo-jin, who was sitting in front of her and offering the spoon, she spoke.
“You hate porridge.”
"...you didn't have to remember that. You said it's fine not to remember such things, so why are you remembering?"
"It's up to me."
Seeing Jae-hee mimic Yoo-jin's tone, Yoo-jin let out a hollow laugh as if she found it amusing. Yoo-jin disliked porridge. Since her childhood, due to her mother, she could only eat porridge in hospitals. Though she was too mature to throw a tantrum, Yoo-jin had grown up too quickly, and after her mother's death, she even disliked having porridge near her mouth.
"You said you didn’t like the mushy texture."
"..."
"...saying you'll get bitten if you eat too much when you're young?"
Yoo-jin didn't answer, but continued stirring the porridge and then scooped up about half before putting it in her mouth. Seeing this, Jae-hee gave up on teasing and quietly ate her porridge. It didn't have any salt, so it didn't taste like much. Yoo-jin looked at Jae-hee with a puzzled expression as she seemed surprised after the first bite. However, Jae-hee shook her head slightly, smiled faintly, and said.
"... it's delicious."
Jae-hee knew better than anyone that Yoo-jin didn't have much talent for cooking, but after not having meals together for a while, she had even forgotten that fact. Still, Jae-hee enthusiastically scooped and ate the porridge. Watching her, Yoo-jin hesitated and spoke.
"..Miss Soo-jin gave me the porridge and left."
"...Soo-jin? To our house?"
"She came to our house, in front of it."
Yoo-jin took out Jae-hee's phone from her bag and placed it on the dining table. Then, she pushed it forward and put it in front of Jae-hee.
"...she took care of my portion too."
"She could have just given mine."
Yoo-jin stirred the porridge for a while without looking up. Jae-hee took a spoonful of the tasteless porridge and glanced at Yoo-jin, trying to gauge her reaction.
"…however…I don’t want to give you what that person gave, so I’m eating it."
"…???"
“What you are eating is what I cooked.”
You don't need to say it, I understand. A shop selling tasteless porridge like this would've shut down immediately under the principles of capitalist markets. If it weren't for someone with this strangely unique taste like Ha Yoo-jin, who could probably guide it to closure with her invisible hand, not even Adam Smith resurrecting from his grave could have made this kind of peculiar-tasting porridge.
"…why didn't you want to give it to me?"
"Just because."
"..."
Jae-hee silently watched Yoo-jin. Seeing Yoo-jin reluctantly eating the disliked porridge, Jae-hee didn't ask further. She didn't inquire about the conversation with Soo-jin, why Soo-jin didn't want to give her the porridge, or why they hadn't continued that conversation. The weighty conversation seemed to have been the last, leading to an awkward atmosphere. Jae-hee ate the tasteless porridge with even less flavor — to the point where the rice grains weren't even well-cooked, and she could feel the texture of the rice in the porridge — scooping it up eagerly. Enjoying the strange atmosphere is more comfortable than before.
"...would you like more?"
"Huh? ...Mm. Give me all of it."
Yoo-jin accepted the empty bowl, inwardly pleased that Jae-hee's appetite had returned, but Jae-hee was only too eager to get it over with, hoping that Yoo-jin wouldn't notice the porridge's lack of taste. Jae-hee glanced back at Yoo-jin as she stirred more porridge.
"…sorry for not contacting you earlier."
Even though there was no need to apologize, Jae-hee still apologized. Seeing Jae-hee apologize, Yoo-jin didn't say anything. She simply placed a bowl full of porridge in front of Jae-hee. Seeing a large amount of porridge in front of her, Jae-hee's vision darkened, and she nervously stirred the porridge with her lips clenched. Only then did Yoo-jin speak up.
"...I'm the one who needs to apologize."
"..."
“You manage yourself well, but I was suspicious."
Silence lingered. Finding it difficult to respond, Jae-hee buried her face in the bowl of porridge, eating the tasteless white porridge. Watching her do that, Yoo-jin slowly began to speak.
"…do you know that?"
"Huh, what?"
"After we got married, this is the first time we're having a meal together in this house."
"..."
Ironically, the two of them, who had never had a meal together since their marriage, unconditionally shared one meal a day during their dating days. After seeing a skinny Jae-hee, she asked if she didn't know that Koreans had to eat rice three times a day, and she fed her three meals a day. When she was busy, Ha Yoo-jin packed lunch for her like a faithful wife, Jae-hee put her spoon down and looked straight at Yoo-jin. It wasn't her pretty, earnest eyes she had last seen, but they were the eyes that troubled her heart. Her eyes were swollen from crying. The reason why she can sit here unharmed like this must be thanks to Ha Yoo-jin who took care of her even while crying.
“Next week, shall we have dinner together?”
Jae-hee remembered the day she first asked Yoo-jin out on a date. Her tone was more reserved back then, but she was much more nervous than before.
"…okay."
Trying not to show her nervousness, Jae-hee spoke while pretending to be nonchalant, her ears turning red, reminiscent of the day when she had accepted with a seemingly casual nod.
"I will make the reservation."
"..."
"I really enjoyed the meal."
In the spot where Jae-hee had been sitting, there was an empty bowl placed. Inside the empty bowl, only remnants of tasteless porridge remained, not a single drop left.