CM 6.15

 ****

Around the time Jae-hee and Yoo-jin's relationship hovered between friendship and dating, Si-yeon suggested a camping trip, with Tae-ho and Sang-woo taking the lead in organizing it. Officially, it was to celebrate surviving the first month of the new semester. Tae-ho's beat-up truck was loaded to its limit with gear, while Sang-woo, Jae-hee, and Yoo-jin were crammed into Tae-hee's old car. Their goal was to watch the finest sunrise in the northeastern region.

Camping fanatic Tae-ho gladly brought all of his camping equipment. Fun-loving Sang-woo packed plenty of board games. Si-yeon planned the schedule, and Tae-hee, who was good at cooking, volunteered to be the chef. Jae-hee took the wheel in place of Tae-hee, who hated long drives, while Yoo-jin paid for the groceries. Even when the study abroad group asked if it was too much, Yoo-jin only shook her head. She could afford it because she still had money she had brought from Korea.

They left before dawn and did not arrive at the campsite until after lunch. The weather was a little cold, so Jae-hee put on an outdoor jacket and skillfully began pitching the tent with Tae-ho. Watching Jae-hee drive the stakes into the ground, Yoo-jin asked,

"...How are you so good at that?"

"...Pitching tents?"

"Mm."

"I went camping a lot when I was little."

A faint smile briefly crossed Jae-hee's lips.

It was strange. Whenever Jae-hee talked about the past, she smiled for only a moment before her expression turned stiff. Still, Yoo-jin thought that just as she hid her own past, Jae-hee probably had her own reasons. She stood up and began carrying the groceries while taking in the scenery around the campsite.

Being able to spend such a happy time with such good people was probably because she had met Jae-hee.

Gratitude mixed with the warm feelings Jae-hee had brought into her life. Smiling softly, Yoo-jin headed toward Si-yeon, who was calling her.

***

They spent the night playing card games, board games, and Jenga until late, then collapsed into sleep from exhaustion.

There was one exception.

Yoo-jin had forgotten to bring her sleeping pills, so she could not fall asleep. After tossing and turning for a long time, she put on her jacket and stepped out of the tent.

She sat in a camping chair and blankly stared at the horizon.

Her body was tired, but her eyelids refused to close.

Unable to stop worrying about her, Jae-hee could not sleep either. She gently moved Tae-hee's leg off her thigh and Si-yeon's arm from around her neck before stepping outside. She sat down in the chair beside Yoo-jin.

"Can't sleep?"

"...Mm."

The truth was that she could not sleep because she had forgotten her sleeping pills, but Yoo-jin could not say that. She looked toward the dim horizon and answered as if nothing was wrong.

Jae-hee unfolded the blanket she had been holding and draped it over both of their shoulders.

"Thank you."

"Everyone's asleep. Looks like it'll just be the two of us watching the sunrise, huh?"

Everyone who had dreamed of seeing the sunrise had already exhausted themselves playing games the day before and had passed out. It was simply the limit of weak graduate student stamina.

At this rate, only Jae-hee and Yoo-jin would see the sunrise.

Jae-hee thought about waking everyone, but then gave up. She realized this quiet moment was the perfect chance to confess to Yoo-jin.

Three weeks.

Whether it was short or long, every moment she had spent getting to know Ha Yoo-jin came back to her.

There was only one reason.

Because those moments were special.

They were so precious that she did not even have to try to remember them. Every moment with Yoo-jin had already been carved into her memory.

"...Thank you."

"...Huh?"

Jae-hee had been so busy searching for the perfect confession that Yoo-jin's words snapped her back to reality. She turned to look at her.

Her eyes, now used to the darkness, could make out Yoo-jin's silhouette.

"For introducing me to all these good people... and... for being the first one to come up to me."

"...I'm the one who should thank you. For taking the hand I reached out."

Yoo-jin could have pushed it away.

Instead, she had accepted it without hesitation.

During these short three weeks, Jae-hee had found Yoo-jin lovable and special, yet she always felt there was a strange barrier. Was it a boundary? Or a wall?

Whenever Jae-hee tried to get closer, Yoo-jin always seemed to tell her not to come any farther. It was more than the caution someone would have toward a stranger. But Jae-hee never asked. She never tried to cross that line. She simply waited.

Maybe Yoo-jin had a story she could not tell. Or maybe this was simply who she was.

Jae-hee decided she would wait until Yoo-jin chose to tell her. And if Yoo-jin never wanted to, then she would be content to be accepted within the limits Yoo-jin allowed.

"...I'm really bad with words."

"...?"

"Ever since I got to know you... I've tried really hard not to say the wrong thing. But I still think I've made a lot of mistakes. Saying things without thinking... saying rude things..."

"...I don't really know."

"You might not notice if you don't think about it. But I'm sure I've said things that hurt you. That's why... I had no choice but to push you away whenever you came closer. Even when I wanted to change, I couldn't. I'm someone who's far too used to hurting other people, so..."

Maybe there have been times like that.

But Jae-hee, blinded by love, might simply have failed to notice them.

She quietly listened.

"...I'm still not sure."

"...Sure about what?"

"...Sure that I won't hurt you. And..."

"...And?"

"...That I... really..."

She waited. But the sentence never ended. Even so, Jae-hee knew what Yoo-jin wanted to say. She still was not sure whether she truly liked her. That kind of certainty. Jae-hee chose to smile through the silence. She remembered her mother's words.

Even when life is hard, and even when it is joyful, if you smile, you'll find what comes next.

Just moments ago she had been struggling to come up with the perfect confession.

Now she felt foolish.

Rather than all those carefully chosen words, she wanted to tell Yoo-jin exactly how she felt right now.

She hoped her sincerity would reach her. She decided not to ask for too much. Maybe they would not become a couple today. Maybe it would hurt. But she did not want to force Yoo-jin. She only wanted to show her heart. Maybe even that was selfish.

Even so...

"...Yoo-jin."

"...Mm."

It is darkest before the sun rises.

Looking at the pitch-black sky and the faint light beginning to spread across the horizon, Jae-hee spoke.

"...These three weeks have felt like a dream. It was the first time I'd ever been the one to approach someone first. I was scared. I was terrified. But you accepted me... and because of that, I got to spend such happy days. Not because of anything else. Just because I met you."

"..."

"I'd never felt feelings like these before, so I wasn't sure either. I always thought love at first sight was something that only existed in novels. Feeling like I was floating in the sky... missing someone this much just by thinking about them... wanting to see them so badly... caring about them this deeply... I couldn't believe feelings like that were real."

"..."

"And the first person I ever fell for was another woman, so it felt even stranger. You know that strange feeling whenever you start something for the first time. Not something that makes you want to run away because it's unfamiliar, but something that makes you want to get even closer because you're curious. I carried that feeling with me every time I met you."

"..."

"You weren't the same as the image I had when we first met, but... you were such a lovable person. Maybe it's ridiculous to say I know you after only three weeks. But the Ha Yoo-jin I came to know... the Yoo-jin I came to know... was someone I found unbelievably lovable."

The deep twilight slowly broke apart as a reddish glow spread across the horizon.

Listening to Jae-hee's gentle voice, Yoo-jin buried her face in her knees.

Her chest tingled.

"You'll stay lovable in the future too. And so many people will love you. Because you deserve to be loved. Even if you're clumsy, there will always be people willing to wait by your side."

"..."

"Today... I was going to ask you to date me. But... you're still not sure, and it didn't feel right for me to rush ahead with only my own feelings. I don't want to make things uncomfortable for you here because of me."

At those words, Yoo-jin's heart skipped a beat.

A storm of emotions she could not understand swept through her.

She had no idea what she was feeling.

The crimson light slowly pushed away the darkness.

Jae-hee never looked at the rising sun.

Instead, she looked at Yoo-jin, who shone brighter than the morning light.

"...I won't ask for an answer right now. Even if you never end up with me, I'll treasure this as my own precious memory and let it go. As your friend, I'll stay by your side. Nothing will change."

Yoo-jin lifted her face from her knees.

She quietly watched the sunrise, then slowly turned toward Jae-hee as she followed the sound of her calm voice.

"I like you, Yoo-jin."

Just those words alone filled her heart.

To Yoo-jin, who had always questioned whether she deserved to be loved, those words were a clear answer.

Countless worries and doubts had been swallowing her whole.

Yet those few words made them all disappear.

Wanting to clear away her final doubt, Yoo-jin asked,

"...Why do you like me so much?"

Jae-hee smiled simply.

It was the same question she had asked herself countless times.

Why only her?

Why Ha Yoo-jin?

Why did this one person make her heart race so much?

She had thought about it endlessly.

In the end, there was only one answer.

"Just because."

"...Just because?"

"Just because it's you. There's no reason. Just because you're Ha Yoo-jin... I love you."

She had resisted her father dozens, hundreds of times.

Yet in the end, her life had always followed Cheon-woo's wishes.

She had always lived believing she should never become a burden to anyone.

But if it was someone like this...

Even if she became a burden...

Maybe it would be okay, just this once.

No.

Just once...

She wanted to love someone like this.

Yoo-jin remembered the voice of her mother, whose face she could no longer recall.

‘Yoo-jin, someday you'll meet someone who loves you too.’

Maybe...

Maybe the person standing before her with that foolishly kind smile...

The person who liked her for no reason...

Maybe that was the one her mother had meant.

That thought soon became a certainty.

No matter what happened...

This was someone who would always stay by her side.

"...Yoo-jin... hmph."

Jae-hee never finished her sentence.

Yoo-jin still did not know what she had been about to say.

Maybe she had been about to promise she would stay by her side even if Yoo-jin rejected her.

Maybe she had only been about to suggest waking their friends.

Either way, Yoo-jin did not care anymore.

She answered Jae-hee's confession with an awkward kiss that was closer to a peck than a real kiss.

Lips she had thought existed only for speaking suddenly gained a new meaning the moment they touched Jae-hee's.

So this was what a kiss felt like.

Soft.

Trembling.

Heart-fluttering.

When the impulsive kiss ended, Yoo-jin slowly pulled away.

She was certain her face had turned bright red.

She hoped the sunrise would hide it.

But she knew Jae-hee would see it anyway.

Jae-hee slowly opened her eyes and showed the most beautiful smile in the world.

She gently cradled the back of Yoo-jin's head, softly stroked her hand, and kissed her again.

The moment Yoo-jin first learned what a peck was, she also learned what a real kiss was.

Clumsy.

Awkward.

Far from perfect.

That kiss was forever carved into both of their memories.

No matter who they met in the future, they would never experience another moment quite like it.

As the sun rose, the quiet breeze drifted around them.

They wished with all their hearts that this moment, sharing their first kiss with the one they loved, would last forever.

* * *

They dated so beautifully that it was hard to believe this was the first relationship for both of them.

Jae-hee was devoted to Yoo-jin, and Yoo-jin, who had opened her heart to Jae-hee, though she believed she was only taking it lightly, did her very best for Jae-hee. As the days passed, Yoo-jin gradually showed Jae-hee the sides of herself that she had always hidden from others.

Then one day, Jae-hee finally found Yoo-jin's sleeping pills.

"...NyQuil?"

"...Th-that's!"

"Did you catch a cold?"

"...No."

She could not lie and say she had a cold when Jae-hee spent the whole day with her. Besides, it did not seem like Jae-hee was asking because she actually thought she had caught a cold.

She had run out of the sleeping pills she had brought from Korea and hurriedly found something else to take. She never expected Jae-hee to discover them like this. Yoo-jin bit her lip.

"...This is used more often as a sleep inducer..."

The quiet murmur carried deep concern. Jae-hee's gaze shifted from the medicine box to Yoo-jin. I should have hidden it better. Blaming herself, Yoo-jin lowered her eyes.

"...Now that I think about it, you don't seem to sleep very well."

"..."

She looked like a guilty child with her head hanging low.

Jae-hee did not like seeing her like that.

Frowning slightly, she walked over to Yoo-jin.

"Honey."

"...Mm..."

"...I won't ask anymore, so don't keep your head down like that. You didn't do anything wrong, so why do you look so down?"

She wrapped an arm around Yoo-jin's shoulders. Gently patting her back, she said,

"I was just worried... That's why I asked. I'm not interrogating you, and I'm not blaming you."

Even then, Yoo-jin remained silent, as if all the strength had left her. Her thoughts felt ready to burst. How much should I tell her? How much will she listen to? How much...is okay? No… Is Jae-hee really someone I can confide in? She's obviously a good person. A good partner. A good girlfriend. Yet she kept hesitating. She bit her lip.

"...I... well..."

Seeing Yoo-jin's frightened face as she struggled to speak, Jae-hee called her name once more.

"Ha Yoo-jin."

"..."

"...Look at me."

Without saying a word, their eyes met. Jae-hee's worried gaze was warm. It was as though she wanted to calm Yoo-jin's anxiety. Unlike some people, she did not get angry. Unlike some people, she did not keep pressing for answers. Unlike some people, she did not cling to her. Her eyes simply said she would wait until Yoo-jin was ready to speak. They also said that it was okay if she never spoke at all.

Seeing that look, all the tension drained from Yoo-jin at once. It almost made all the anxiety she had been carrying feel ridiculous.

"...Okay."

"But... for a while, let's sleep together."

"...Together?"

"Mm."

Yoo-jin wondered what she meant by sleeping together for a while, but she nodded anyway. From that night until the day they left for Korea, Jae-hee slept beside Yoo-jin every night. Whenever Yoo-jin woke up because of her insomnia, Jae-hee soothed her back to sleep. Sometimes they stayed awake together through the whole night. Even though she must have been exhausted, Jae-hee never complained even once. Instead, she tried everything she could to help Yoo-jin's insomnia improve.

Sometimes they exercised intensely two hours before bed. Sometimes she prepared tea that helped with sleep. She even filled her MP3 player with sleep music for Yoo-jin. Perhaps because of all that effort, three months after they began sleeping together, Yoo-jin was finally able to sleep soundly.

Yoo-jin gradually came to trust Jae-hee enough to tell her the truth much later. After hearing everything, Jae-hee cried like a child. Not even Yoo-jin's own family had cried for her like that, yet Jae-hee grieved over the wounds Yoo-jin had suffered as a child more than her own. Watching Jae-hee like that, Yoo-jin became certain. No matter what happened or what she did, this was someone who would always stay by her side.

….

After earning her doctorate, Jae-hee began teaching at universities in the northeastern United States. Using the money they had earned together, along with a loan, Jae-hee and Yoo-jin rented a small house. Jae-hee spent a long time thinking about whether to continue her research at an American university or return to Korea.

When Yoo-jin said that one day she would have to go back to Korea, Jae-hee gave up the stable life she could have had in America and started looking into universities in Korea instead.

As soon as her alma mater, S University, announced an opening for an assistant professor, she applied. She got the job.

When she happily shared the news with Yoo-jin, Yoo-jin was happy for her, but her reaction was strange.

Jae-hee found it odd that Yoo-jin did not seem pleased even after hearing she had been hired by her alma mater, S University. She had been saying they would have to return to Korea soon, yet now that the time had actually come, she seemed reluctant.

Was it because of the father who had left her with so much trauma? Was that why she did not want to go back?

After spending several days thinking about it, Yoo-jin asked if she wanted to go for a walk nearby. Jae-hee took it as a sign that Yoo-jin wanted to talk, so they went to a nearby park together.

Step by step, the sound of their footsteps echoed. Several people were out walking in the well-kept park. Even after walking for a long time, neither of them spoke first.

'...What is she trying to say?'

Does she still not want to go back to Korea? Is there still something she wants to do here? Thoughts flooded her mind and left her confused. Just as she was wondering how to start the conversation, Yoo-jin spoke first.

"...Jae-hee."

"Mm."

Jae-hee answered in a tense voice. There was no one else around. They had reached a quiet place where even the people taking walks had disappeared. Seeing the determined look on Yoo-jin's face made it impossible not to feel nervous.

"...I want you to listen carefully to what I'm about to say."

"...Okay."

Taking a deep breath, Yoo-jin reached out and held Jae-hee's hand.

Jae-hee had no idea why, and she was surprised, but she gently wrapped her hand around Yoo-jin's. The sound of insects filled the air like background music. Standing beneath the streetlight, the two of them looked like the main characters on a stage, illuminated by a spotlight.

"...Every moment I've spent with you has been a blessing and a happiness to me."

"..."

Jae-hee could feel the courage it had taken for someone as awkward with expressing emotions as Yoo-jin. She tightened her grip on Yoo-jin's hand. The joy she could not hide slowly spread across her lips.

"...Every moment I've spent with you has been a blessing and a happiness to me."

"...I feel the same."

"...So... with someone like you... I want us to be together for the rest of our lives."

"..."

"...Jae-hee... will you... marry me?"

Yoo-jin let go of Jae-hee's hand. From inside her coat, she took out a small box.

Inside, two simple rings were neatly placed side by side.

Seeing Yoo-jin constantly avoiding her eyes, as if she was shy and embarrassed, Jae-hee burst into laughter. At the sound of Jae-hee's cheerful laugh, Yoo-jin's face turned red. Seeing her blushing face only made Jae-hee laugh even more happily.

“...Aren't you going to put the ring on me?"

Embarrassed by Jae-hee's words, Yoo-jin took out one of the rings with trembling hands and held Jae-hee's hand. Her hands shook so much that she barely managed to slide the ring onto Jae-hee's left ring finger, where their matching couple ring already rested.

"...When did you secretly buy such a pretty ring~?"

"..."

As if she did not like being teased, Yoo-jin puffed out her lips and turned her head away. Seeing her puffed cheeks and reddened ears made Jae-hee grin.

"...Your answer."

"...?"

"Your answer to my proposal."

Wanting a direct answer instead of an indirect one was so like Ha Yoo-jin.

Jae-hee took the box from her hands and picked up the remaining ring.

"Of course my answer is yes. Let's spend the rest of our lives together, Yoo-jin."

Then, even more skillfully than Yoo-jin, who had proposed, she slipped the ring onto Yoo-jin's finger.

She pulled Yoo-jin into her arms and spun around and around. Yoo-jin shouted for her to put her down, while Jae-hee only kept smiling from ear to ear. It was as if everything before them had been dyed pink.

….

Not long before they were due to leave for Korea after Yoo-jin's proposal, Yoo-jin honestly told Jae-hee about her circumstances.

It was shocking enough to learn that she was the daughter of a politician, something she had been known as most often while living in Korea. But even more shocking was learning that Yoo-jin's mother's family was the Howon Group.

When she had lived in Korea, Howon had been the company she heard about the most. Even the phone she was using now had been made by Howon Electronics.

When Yoo-jin said that after returning to Korea she would have to run one of the group's subsidiaries, Jae-hee finally understood why Yoo-jin had studied business even though she had hated management so much.

The reason for her insomnia. The reason she hated her father. The reason she did not want to return to Korea. Every question Jae-hee had ever had was finally answered.

Seeing that Yoo-jin still could not bring herself to ask her to face all those hardships together, Jae-hee quietly held out the paperwork for their marriage registration.

Korea did not legally recognize same-sex marriage, and Jae-hee knew that. So she wanted their relationship to exist somewhere in the eyes of the law. For Yoo-jin, who had lived a life without certainty, it was Jae-hee's own way of giving her certainty.

After returning to Korea, Yoo-jin inherited her mother's shares in the department store and, with the board's recommendation, became its CEO.

Jae-hee returned to her alma mater as a professor.

After living a stable life for six months, Yoo-jin released a press statement about their same-sex marriage before her father could find out.

….

"...A professor?"

"Hello. My name is Seon Jae-hee. I was recently appointed as an assistant professor in the Department of Education at S University, Father*."

*아버님 (abeonim) a respectful way of addressing someone else's father, it can also be used to address a father-in-law. Yoo-jin calls her father 아버지 (abeoji) (formal) when talking to someone else and 아빠 (appa) (less formal) when talking to her father.

"..."

The moment she said "Father," the deep vertical lines on his forehead became even deeper.

Jae-hee had stood before people who refused to accept her countless times before. She did not back down and bowed deeply.

"...I'm going to marry her."

"So, after spending all that time in America... you're still as stubborn."

"So?"

"Even the way you talk back."

“...”

As father and daughter silently fought, Jae-hee chose to remain quiet.

She quietly reached over and held Yoo-jin's hand, which looked ready to explode at any moment.

"... Father."

"It doesn't seem like you need my permission anyway. I don't know why you came."

"We came because we wanted to at least keep up the appearances that you care so much about."

"..."

"Weren't you always someone who cared more than anyone about your public image, ‘Father’?"

"And someone who knows how important that image is, goes and releases an article like that?"

The tense confrontation continued. In the middle of the sharp exchange, Yoo-jin stood up first.

Seeing her rush out, Jae-hee was startled and repeatedly bowed to Cheon-woo.

"W-We should get going now."

"..."

Jae-hee hurried after Yoo-jin. She ran to the garage where their car was parked and found Yoo-jin sitting in the driver's seat, crying.

After calming her own breathing, Jae-hee walked around the hood, opened the passenger door, and got in. 

Silence filled the car. The only sound was Yoo-jin's sobbing. Any attempt at comfort would have been too hasty.

Jae-hee did not want to offer the empty pity or sympathy that anyone could give. Even for someone as naturally kind as Jae-hee, finding sincere words of comfort for Yoo-jin was incredibly difficult.

"...Pathetic, isn't it?"

"...No."

"Hic... Isn't it pathetic?"

"...No."

"...This is why I never wanted to come back."

Hidden within her grief-filled sobs was resentment. It was hard to tell whether she was blaming someone or simply filled with bitterness.

Some of those words were even directed at Jae-hee. Still, Jae-hee simply listened. Then she gently patted Yoo-jin's back.

Unlike the United States, where nothing had pressured her, here she was being crushed by her father, public opinion, reporters, and even the board of directors. 

It would not have been strange if Yoo-jin had collapsed under all that pressure. Seon Jae-hee was the only reason Yoo-jin was still living. A storm of negative emotions burst out.

Watching her father dump all of his emotions onto others, Yoo-jin had always sworn she would never become someone like him.

Yet little by little, she had begun to resemble the person she hated most. All those emotions finally burst free.

Jae-hee quietly stayed beside Yoo-jin as she cried out in despair. She could not carelessly comment on wounds that ran so deep. Especially not after witnessing the relationship between father and daughter with her own eyes.

Instead of leaving Yoo-jin's side, Jae-hee chose to stay with her. That was the only thing she could do. Sometimes silence is the greatest comfort. Thinking like that, Jae-hee gently stroked Yoo-jin's back for a long, long time as she sobbed.

****

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